


The Seven Trials of Connie Maheswaran

by Air_Quiet_Reader



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Connie-centric, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-11
Updated: 2017-03-26
Packaged: 2018-09-23 06:52:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 28,942
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9645209
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Air_Quiet_Reader/pseuds/Air_Quiet_Reader
Summary: "It wasn't a question worth asking her. She would save Steven Universe, or she would die trying. Nothing would get between her and her mission.Even if she was just a small, twelve-year-old girl. She could give up her future to fight. It was worth the sacrifice.So why did she feel so terrified?"Connie faces her demons as she prepares to rescue Steven from the clutches of Homeworld.





	1. Fear

“ _They took Steven. They took him to Homeworld_."

The world seemed to slow and dread grabbed the breath from Connie’s lungs. The gravity of the statement weighed her down to her bed.

" _We...we’re not sure exactly what Blue Diamond wants to do with him,_ ” Pearl whispered, her voice shaking. “ _I have a few theories. But she'll keep him alive as long as she thinks he's a only human. I'm...I’m pretty sure of that_.”

Silence was all that responded to Pearl.

"I _t's going to be okay, Connie_ ," Pearl's voice rang hollow on the other end of her phone. " _We'll...we're going to get him back_." Pearl's voice sounded unsure, as if she was trying to convince herself.

Connie’s eyes felt drawn toward a picture she kept on her bedside table. Her and Steven, arm in arm at his last birthday party, grinning brightly towards the camera.

A surge of motivation gave Connie her voice back as she found something she could set her mind to. Something to push back all the other feelings the threatened to consume her.

"We will. I'll be there shortly. Just wait for me," Connie said resolutely, already getting up and setting her mind to gathering belongings for an intergalactic space voyage.

" _No_!" Pearl shouted with sudden force that caught Connie off guard. " _No_ ," Pearl said again after a moment, gentler. " _That's not a good idea_."

Connie stopped her packing and stood up tall. Hundreds of conversations she had with her own mother flashed through her mind. She hadn't expected to have to do this with Pearl, but she was determined not to lose this time. Steven’s life was at stake here.

"Why not?" Connie asked, stomping her foot. "Isn't this what you trained me for? Isn't this what I have been working so hard to do? I'm ready for this!"

" _It's_..." Pearl's voice was unsure facing the logic of her student. " _This isn't something we trained for. None of us ever expected anything like this, Connie. I don’t think you’re ready for this kind of mission. Besides, we need someone to look after earth_ \- "

"He's everything to me," Connie interjected as tears gathered at the edge of her eyes. She refused to be denied. "You know that. Do you really think I can just sit here while everyone else risks their lives for him? I have a right to be there."

At her outburst, the other line on her phone was quiet. Faintly, she could hear muffled voices in the background, but could not make out what they were saying.

" _All right_ ," Pearl said suddenly, but her tone gave away reluctance. " _Get yourself prepared. Quickly. We'll send....we'll be there to pick you up shortly. Be ready_."

"Thank you, Pearl," Connie said, before hanging up to set herself to the task.

She paused to consider what exactly it was she would bring with her. Rose's sword, kept from her last training session, lay next to her bed at the ready. But beyond that, she would need to travel light.

_He's everything to me. Of course I should go._

Connie began to rummage through her belongings, scattered along the floor of her bedroom haphazardly. She started a mental checklist of things she could bring and would need. A change of clothes, probably a sweater for warmth in the cold vacuum of space. Protein bars, for a quick and easy source of fuel. A book - she had to have something relevant in her collection. Maybe -

 _He's probably in pain. Who knows what they're doing to him_. Connie chose not to address the baseless thought. She did not have time to handle that now. She had a boy to rescue.

_What if my last words to him will be, 'I got to return it to the library?' What if I never get to talk to him again?_

“What if I can’t do this?” Connie whispered aloud, the panic running rampant in her mind. It was frustrating.

Connie took in a deep breath and let out a shaky exhale. She could recognize her inner turmoil. She knew she should try to fully confront it, but time was of the essence. She didn't have time to weep. She wasn't sure she could stop if she did.

Instead of trying to remember Garnet's mindful training, she tried to focus on a lesson Pearl had taught her once. On the battlefield, the ally next to you could be lost at any moment. It had happened to Pearl many times before — but you couldn't stop. You had to ignore it, and keep going. You couldn't stop fighting until the battle was won —only then could you remember and bury the fallen. It was the only way to keep yourself, and the people you cared about, alive.

Maybe she should try to call Pearl again, see what advice she could give her. She dashed the thought from her mind as quickly as it came — she could not afford to seem desperate to her master.

 _But what if you are, what if you can’t_ -

Connie tried to find the steel within herself. The battle had begun the second Homeworld had taken Steven. All there was left to do was to use her wits and get through any enemy between her and her liege. Then return him safely home.

She didn’t realize she was shaking. Fortunately for her, a knock on the door startled her out of her reverie.

"Connie? Is everything alright?" Her mother's concerned words pierced Connie's heart from the other side of her bedroom door and made her gasp. "I heard you shouting earlier. I just wanted to make sure everything's okay."

Two options immediately occurred to Connie. She could open herself up to her mother and break down in her mother's welcoming embrace. A significant part of her desperately wanted to do that. But she knew to do so would make getting out of her home without a confrontation significantly less likely. She may have won her argument with Pearl, but her own mother was a different beast entirely when it came to overbearing maternal instincts.

So, Connie decided to go with the second option, one she promised she would stop doing to her mother. She lied.

"Everything's okay mom," Connie said, struggling to sound confident. "I just...got into a really heated discussion with Steven over the phone about the newest book in the Ashworth Chronicles. It's really good!"

There was a moment of agonizing silence. Connie braced herself for the worst.

"Okay, Connie," Priyanka said. "If you say so. Just know you can talk to me about anything."

"I know, Mom. Thank you.”

Connie held her breath until she heard her mother's footsteps hit the staircase and reach the family living room. She let out a sigh of relief. That was one crisis averted.

“I’m being ridiculous,” Connie mumbled to herself. “I can get through this.”

She busied her hands with packing, trying to move as quickly as possible. But her hands were sweaty and she constantly found herself dropping something as she tried to gather her supplies into a small pile on her bed.

Meanwhile, Connie’s mind moved a mile a minute as she tried to come up with an excuse to get by her mother quickly. She thought about just running straight by her mom and damning the consequences, but knew that would not be fair. But she did not have the time for some elaborate ruse like she used to do with Steven. She struggled to come up with something as her head started to pound and her breath became short.

She would just say that Steven had mentioned a small mission at the end of the imaginary phone call. Quick, easy, no need for description — there would be no problems. Her mother would kill her after she discovered Connie left for space, but that was not something she was afraid of now. She could live with that.

_If you make it out of this alive._

"No. I'll be fine," Connie whispered, admonishing her own mind. Her anxieties would have to wait until she returned to Earth.

After a few desperate minutes of packing, Connie saw herself as suitably ready. She had her large green coat for the fall evening's chill, a backpack loaded with supplies and Rose's sword strapped securely to her back. She felt like she was probably missing something, but decided against spending more time packing. She just wanted to get her feet moving and be on her way out.

Connie stepped out of her room and faced her home’s staircase. Had they always been that big? She could hear the quiet noise of the television downstairs playing a nature documentary. Her mother loved to watch boring stuff like this with her dad. Fortunately for Connie, her father was working through the night — a single stroke of luck that would make escaping easier. She sighed, mentally preparing herself, and walked quickly down the steps.

Connie stepped into the living room and saw the back of her mother's head. Priyanka was a world away from her. She stood still for a few seconds, saying nothing. She felt petrified.

_How can I just do this to my mother?_

Connie shook her head. There was no time.

"I have to go on a mission, Mom," Connie said. Somehow, she felt like she was 11 again. "Something came up tonight. I should be back in the morning."

Her mother slowly reached for the remote and turned off the television. Connie gulped. The tense silence was frightening.

Priyanka turned around to face her. Her mother’s face was etched with concern as she approached Connie, who was rooted in place in the front foyer of their home. Priyanka kneeled down and put a hand on her daughter's shoulder.

"What's really wrong, Connie? Are you sure there's nothing else you want to tell me?" She had seen — and heard — right through Connie's bluff. "Did something happen to the gems? To Steven?"

Connie tried to keep a brave face on. She tried to summon the words to again reassure her mother that everything was fine. She tried to stop the small tremors in her tiny frame and prevent tears from forming.

She failed miserably.

Taking Connie’s look as an answer, Priyanka embraced her daughter. Connie couldn't hold back anymore, and her tears and sobs flowed freely. The terror and misery she felt consumed her as her mother rubbed soothing circles on her back.

_Steven's been taken away from me._

_He's gone._

_What if I can't get him back?_

_What if I lose someone else?_

_How can I do this?_

"Shh, shh, I'm here, I'm here," her mother's soft words lulled her as she rode the emotional torrent.

Connie didn’t know how long she cried in her mother’s arms. The world felt like it had stopped turning.

* * *

  
Connie stared down into large mug of hot chocolate in her hands — a rare treat in the Maheswaran household. She worked to compose herself as her mother was busy making a cup of coffee. A heart-to-heart talk would surely follow, something Connie dreaded. She had only mumbled incoherence after spending endless minutes breaking down, to try to preserve a cover story, but knew there would be no more dodging around it. Priyanka had gained a lot of intuition about her daughter after letting her start pursuing a life with the crystal gems.

Of course, having her mother be involved with the new side of her life had its advantages. Since the incident at the hospital, the strictness of Connie's mother had largely melted away into a doting concern. Priyanka struggled to negotiate caring for her daughter’s well-being with letting Connie be free to carve a niche in the world. There were pitfalls and arguments involved in that. But Priyanka was trying her best and letting her daughter be who she wanted, and that meant the world to Connie.

But Connie knew the fragile balance of their relationship would be tested. Her mother had pierced through her emotional armour and now beginning her mission would be all the more difficult. She had failed to keep composed, just like she had failed Stev -

Connie perished the thought.

Her mother sat across the small kitchen table while nursing her own cup of coffee. She met Connie's eyes, but Connie looked away.

"Connie, please tell me what's really wrong," Priyanka said firmly. Connie could feel her mother's soft gaze pierce her.

Connie sighed and tried to summon up the courage to make it through this conversation quickly. She had faced down mutants, monsters, and trained warriors trying to kill her. She could face her own mother.

Somehow, her own mother seemed more terrifying.

"Steven got taken by a diamond," Connie said, darting her eyes up. "From gem Homeworld. They've taken him back to their planet."

Her mother gasped, a hand rising to her mouth.

"Oh...." her mother blurted, clearly unsure of herself. Connie wondered what bad scenarios her mother had really considered.

"I'm so, so sorry," Priyanka said, reaching out across the table grab Connie's hand gently. "I - he was such a sweet boy. I know what he meant to you. What he meant to everyone."

"He is sweet," Connie corrected quietly, gently grasping her mother's hand. Connie looked up at Priyanka and wasn't sure if her mother had realized the mistake, so she elaborated. "He's not dead. We can still save him."

"Of course Connie, I didn't mean to-" Priyanka stopped herself. "I'm sorry. That was thoughtless."

"It's okay," Connie replied, letting go of her mother's hands and sitting back into her chair. "No big deal."

"But I know it is. He's...Steven is a very special boy," Priyanka said, fumbling through her search for the right words. "There's still hope then, though. We can still wait and hope the crystal gems can save him, right?"

Connie let the words hang in the air without answer. Priyanka’s face gradually grew more unsure. Connie breathed deeply and closed her eyes for a moment. There was no more use trying to skirt around the matter.

"I'm not going to be waiting," Connie said. "I can still save him. That's my mission. That's what I have to do."

Connie waited to gauge her mother's reaction. Her mother’s mouth formed into a hard-line. She could see the internal debate probably going through Priyanka’s mind as she considered what Connie meant.

"Connie...I don't know if this is something you should do," Priyanka said slowly. Connie could see her mother wanted to avoid the fight neither of them wanted. "It's — you aren't really thinking of...going out into space, are you?

"I am," Connie said. She put her hot chocolate on the table and stood up, bracing herself.

"Connie, you know I can't let you do this." The denial had come. "This is far beyond anything we had agreed to when this all started..."

"Mother, I know you're worried about me," Connie said, holding up her hands as she searched for a middle ground between them. "I'm...I'm scared too, okay? But this isn't your choice to make for me. I have to do this. You have to trust me." Connie wasn't sure where she was finding this fortitude, but she tried to hold onto it.

For her part, her mother seemed to be rising to the occasion. A face previously filled with only concern was growing more and more stony. Priyanka’s forehead creased as a suddenly defiant daughter confronted her.

"I trust you, Connie," Priyanka said. "You know I do. We've been through this. But this isn't about trust —this is about your safety."

Connie refused to take her mother's reasoning.

"No it isn’t!" Connie interjected, her hands flailing wildly before settling into hard fists. "This is the same conversation we've always had. I want to do something that matters to me, and you say no, because you don't trust me!"

"Connie, we are not talking about eating junk food, watching bad movies or even sword training," Priyanka’s voice raised with her daughters, but she sat fixed atop her chair, arms crossed. "Even the missions with the gems — those terrify me, but I let you do it because I could see how much it meant to you. Because I decided I needed to trust the wonderful person I see before me."

Priyanka paused and looked deeply into Connie's eyes. Connie, for her part, tried to appear unmoved.

"But this is more than I think you can take on! From what you've told me, Homeworld is ruthless, and beyond what I think you could handle. And if they took Steven back through space, that is definitely beyond what you can handle. The gems may be able to do it. But you're _human_ — it takes years of training for one of us to go out to space."

"I...the gems have technology to make it easier," Connie said, but her voice became weak under the unrelenting logic of her mother. She didn't actually know if the crystal gems had something to get her to space safely. But she trusted them to find a way.

"Connie, my staff at the hospital trusts me," Priyanka said, voice gaining confidence as her daughter wavered. "They trust me to operate when patients lives are at stake. But if I tried to start doing dentistry there, they would stop me. Because they know what I'm capable of — and they know I can't do dentistry. They'd stop me because they care about me."

"That's not the same thing!" Connie shouted, jumping slightly, trying to think through her mother's logic on the fly. "It's not the same thing because I know I can actually do this!"

"How could you possibly know that?" her mother said. "You've never done anything like this before!"

"BECAUSE THERE'S NO POINT IF I CAN'T!" The loudness of the voice stunned her mother into silence. Connie took a couple of breaths, trying to quell the rising anger. "The Connie you see before you," Connie put her hand on her chest for emphasis. "Doesn't exist without Steven. The Connie you see before you can't exist without him."

"But -"

"I don't want to go back to what I was," Connie interjected, shaking with rage. "I was always so scared to do anything I wanted. I was so scared of everyone else — of what they might think of me, of what they might do to me. I was scared because of you."

"I — Connie, you know that -"

"I'm scared, Mom. I'm scared more than I've ever been in my entire life right now. But I'm not going to let fear control me anymore. Steven showed me that I can be more than that. I'm not going to let fear stop me from doing what I want to."

"Connie, please." Priyanka finally stood up as tears streamed down her mother's face.

The look on her mom’s face was agonizing. But Connie was not going to let anything stop her.

"And I want to save Steven Universe. I love him. He's the world to me," Connie admitted. "And nothing — not you, not Homeworld, not anyone else — is going to stop me."

As Connie stared straight into her mother's face, locking eyes, she continued to shake with feeling. She wasn't sure where all of this was coming from, but she was going to use it. She had even proclaimed love — an admission she had largely skirted around outside of her dreams.

But rather than instantly accepting Connie’s heartfelt speech, her closed her eyes and pinched her temple.

"Connie," her mother said. Her voice was icy. "I understand how you feel. But I'm not going to approve of this. The last thing I..the last thing Steven would-"

"Don't you dare," Connie hissed an interruption. "Don't you even think of -"

The doorbell rang and stopped her. Connie looked out towards the front door and cursed under breath. If the gems had come, her time was up.

"I'm going to tell them you're not going," Priyanka said in her old, authoritative voice, sensing who was likely at the door. She walked over to answer it and Connie followed her. "We can talk more after, but that's the bottom line."

"This isn't over," Connie tried to interject. "You can't-"

Her mother opened the door and Connie's shock stopped her mid sentence.

On the doorstep stood Sapphire and a disheveled Mr. Universe. Seeing Sapphire unfused with Ruby would be cause enough for alarm, but it was the elder Universe that drew her focus.

Greg Universe looked dreadful. His eyes were bloodshot, his hair a nest of twigs and leaves, his posture slouching and his pants torn in several places. Connie had never seen someone look so defeated. The only part of him that looked somewhat presentable was the bright sweater he wore with cherries — the same he had worn the last time he came to the household. He probably had not worn it since then, Connie figured.

Still, Mr. Universe tried to seem upbeat, giving both the Maheswaran women a gentle smile. Unfortunately, it came off as more of a grimace.

"Hello Priyanka," Greg said. There warmth to his voice that did not match his appearance. Connie could tell he was straining to keep composed. "Do you think I could talk with Connie for a little bit?"

Priyanka turned her head over to Connie, who stood behind her. Her daughter suddenly bolted upright to glare back. She tried to communicate everything through her fiery gaze.

Connie didn’t know what the future would hold, with Greg’s bizarre appearance or her mission. But nobody was going to drag her back up the stairs until Steven was safely back home.


	2. Powerless

Connie's memories of times spent with Mr. Universe — of listening to his soulful guitar ballads or huddling in his warm van during a snowstorm — stood in stark contrast to the thick tension and awkwardness that hovered between them now.

The two sat in in the Maheswaran living room, on opposite sides of a large couch. Both stared down into their laps, facing away from each other. It hurt Connie to look at Mr. Universe, haggard as he was. He had spent some time to take the branches out of his hair — he had apparently been in too much of a rush to do otherwise before — but the misery etched in his face was contagious. They reminded Connie too much of her own pain, a hurt she was trying to stop thinking about.

Sapphire had taken Connie’s mother aside to the kitchen, much to Priyanka’s chagrin. But Greg had whispered something to her mother that had apparently made the elder Maheswaran content with the scenario.

Connie recalled the few talks she had with Steven's father. The man had always been so upbeat and optimistic. He was also endlessly supportive of the relationship she was growing with Steven and the gems. He was a kindred spirit of sorts — a human who, like her, decided to dedicate his life to a group of strange, magical people, despite how little sense it really made. Someone who understood why it was the right choice.  
  
She wasn’t sure if the same man was sitting beside her now.

"Connie," Greg said quietly, past whatever had given his voice pause. "I wanted to talk to you about what you're gonna do next."

She glanced up at Greg. His eyes looked exhausted, bags pronounced under them, but she could see a spark of the same compassion she was used to from the Universe family.

"Okay," Connie said simply, staying on guard.

"You..." Greg hesitated again, seemingly conflicted about what he was trying to say. "You...probably shouldn't go with the gems to rescue Steven."

Connie sighed and put her face into her hands. She had hoped Mr. Universe, of all people, would understand her. She did not want to have to argue again.

"Hear me out," Greg said in response to her clear distress. "I know, I know, believe me, I don't want to be saying this. I know how you feel. I -"

"Do you really?" Connie looked up at him fiercely.

Greg matched her stare. His gaze were freezing. "Of course I do. I want to get my son back. More than anything. If I could, I would be the first person on the ship into space."

The response was not one Connie expected and it deflated her anger.

"Let me explain," Greg began. "I know I can't actually stop you from going through with your choice. That's not my place. But I think...well, hear me out."

Connie was still unsure, but with nothing else to do until Sapphire decided they could leave, she sank into the couch cushions and awaited Mr. Universe's explanation.

"Alright. I'll listen, Mr. Universe."  
  
Greg paused and strummed his fingers along his pant leg. He let out a hollow chuckle.  
  
“Usually I’d have my guitar when I tell a story,” Greg said. “But I suppose I don’t feel much like playing right now anyways.”  
  
Greg looked at Connie, who gazed up expectantly.  
  
“When I first got involved with the gems,” Greg said. “I was so fascinated with everything they were about. What they could do, the adventures they went on, the people they were. They entranced me. I wanted to be part of their world.”  
  
“Like me, I know,” Connie said impatiently. She had heard this story from Steven before.  
  
Greg held up a hand placatingly. “But I can remember how I nearly got killed when I got too close to one of their missions once. One of those monsters attacked the beach back when...back when Rose…” Greg’s speech slowed, the name appearing to cause him pain. “When we were laying around. She told me to back away, but she seemed to be struggling to fight it. So I tried to help the only way I could think of — acting like a goof and trying to distract it.

“What happened?”  
  
“I’ll just say I have a scar in a place I’m not proud of,” Greg chuckled at himself. His laughter was growing increasingly disturbing to Connie; still empty of his usual mirth. “But it made me realize how dangerous it was to be around them, even though I so wanted to be. At the time, I decided to do what the gems wanted and keep myself out of their business, most of the time. I wanted to help them when I could, but knew it would have to be from a respectable distance.”  
  
Greg stopped talking and Connie saw his mouth quiver a little through his beard. She tried to prod him along.

“Why are you telling me this? Why now?” Connie asked. “I know we have a lot in common, but the situation is different. I’ve found a way to fight alongside Steven.”

“I know, Connie,” Greg said, seeming to compose himself. “And it’s an incredible thing. But I’ve seen you start to try to carry the world on your shoulders since this started. Steven told me about it too. I wanted you to know there’s no shame in turning back from a fight that’s beyond you.”

“This one is not beyond me,” Connie argued, tensing and riling up again. “I can do this. I know I can.”

Greg sighed deeply, curling up his pants in his fists.  
  
“When they took my son, there was nothing I could do.”  
  
Connie stared as the information spun around in her mind.  
  
“You...you were there?” she asked. Pearl had been fairly light on the details.  
  
“I was,” Greg said. “Steven convinced me to take him to that pal-a-quin thing and we went off to Korea.”  
  
Greg looked up and outwards, as if seeing past the Maheswaran living room. Connie waited, now eager to hear more about what exactly had happened to Steven.  
  
“The big blue lady….Blue Diamond I guess, was there, crying. It didn’t seem like she was going to be stopping any time soon. We managed to stay hidden, but Steven eventually decided he should go out and talk to her.”  
  
“He would,” Connie said softly, mostly to herself, shaking her head. “He would put himself in danger to help anyone — even an enemy.”  
  
“Kind to a fault,” Greg heard and agreed. His voice was weak. “At first, it seemed to go great. They talked and he seemed to get through to her. I thought maybe it would work out okay and we’d be on our separate ways. Then she grabbed him.”  
  
Greg paused again and Connie saw his face sink even further. He still stared outward into nothingness.  
  
“She took him. Steven struggled, but I guess he couldn’t break free. Her grip must have been too strong. And I couldn’t save him. I...I couldn’t do anything. I got up and yelled as loud as I could. I even ran at them — I’m not sure what I would have done, but maybe it could have distracted them long enough for Steven to escape.”  
  
Connie couldn’t help think of what she might have done in the scenario. She probably would have to do something similar to what Greg did — pull out her sword, try and get their attention. She would also charge, but with more purpose and precision than Greg might be able too.  
  
But would the result have been different?  
  
“What happened?” Connie asked, at the edge of her seat.  
  
“She ignored me,” Greg said. “Her buddy seemed to notice me, but Blue Diamond didn’t care. She just walked up to her ship and flew away. I couldn't do anything. I had to just stand there while my son got taken off into space. I couldn’t follow.”

Greg turned his head to look at her. His face was wet and his eyes were haunting.  
  
Connie looked away and she heard Greg sob.  
  
She remembered back before she had learned how to fight. When Steven was telling her about  his adventures and all of his struggles. She desperately wanted to help him — and she did, as a shoulder he could lean on. But she wanted to do more — she wanted to be there by his side every step of the way.  
  
Connie remembered feeling like she couldn’t. Like Steven, with his magical life, would probably leave her behind because she could not keep up. He almost did once. It had her made her feel so small.  
  
But she threw herself into sword training to change that. She remembered wanting to make herself a stronger person, one who could keep pace with the boy as boundless as the stars themselves. She remembered him asking her to keep walking together, hand-in-hand.  
  
She remembered that boy was gone now, taken from her without so much as a fight. Trapped within the confines of her home, she had been powerless to do anything.  
  
But she could do this.  
  
Connie reached out a hand, gently placing it on the crook of Greg’s elbow in an effort to comfort him.  
  
“He wouldn’t have gotten this far without you, Greg,” Connie said. “And if he hadn’t, the world would probably be over. You’ve done more than you realize.”  
  
“I couldn’t save him,” Greg muttered, voice still wracked with sadness. “Just like I couldn’t save Rose. I was too weak to do anything.”  
  
“You couldn’t save Steven,” Connie agreed. She paused, trying to think of the right words. It would be tricky if he was thinking about Rose,  who was so much of an enigma to her. “But does that really make you weak? Do you think raising Steven did that?”  
  
Greg tilted his head so his eyes met Connie’s. She realized her face was probably as teary as his, but she didn’t care.  
  
“You’ve done so much, Mr. Universe. You raised Steven — and trust me, he couldn’t get by without you. You saved us when Lapis was trying to take the ocean. You’ve been there for Steven every step of the way. You do make a difference.”  
  
Greg’s head turned fully to face Connie and his eyes softened. Connie grabbed both his hands in hers, hoping she was making progress.  
  
“And I can make a difference,” Connie said. “I know what you’re trying to say — but you’re wrong. About yourself and about me. You’re not weak — you were strong enough to get this far. And I’m strong enough to go the rest of the way.”

“Connie, you don’t have to do this,” Greg said, voice gaining strength. “There are some things us humans just aren’t meant to do. Can’t do.”  
  
“I can do this,” Connie said adamantly. “You’re the guardian of Steven’s soul. I’m the guardian of his body. And it’s my job to bring him back.”  
  
Greg stared at her, eyes drying, perplexed. “How did you come up with that one?  
  
Connie smiled at him. “I’m pretty well-read. The Ashworth Chronicles has a good line or two I like to borrow. Maybe I’ll lend it to you sometime.”  
  
Greg guffawed, face finally filling with some of the life Connie was used to. She laughed along with him, holding herself — laughed for how ridiculous she was being, laughed for the heartbreak, laughed for every bad joke Steven told her that she needed to hear again.  
  
“You…you’re really determined, huh?” Greg said between chuckles, wiping a tear from his eye. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen anybody so strangely sure of themselves since Steven told me he wanted to live with the gems.”  
  
“Thanks,” Connie replied, taking the odd compliment in stride. “I know my limits — but I’m sure I can help them.”  
  
“Kid, I don’t doubt it,” Greg said, smiling. His beaming face suddenly fell and took on a gaunt severity. “Bring back my boy, Connie. I know that’s not fair to ask of you, but…”  
  
“I will,” Connie silenced him, grabbing his hand tightly in hers. “I guarantee it.”  
  
Greg smiled at her. He laughed again and shook his head. “Look at me. When they told me they were dragging you into this, I thought I was going to come in here and be the mature adult. That I’d save you from something you weren’t ready for. But I was just a blubbering mess and you’re the one that ended up talking me out of something stupid.”  
  
“Believe me,” Connie said. “I know how that feels. I guess talking about this with Steven rubbed off on me a bit. But I appreciate what you said. I think I needed to hear it.”  
  
She paused as an idea struck her.  
  
“Actually, there’s one thing I’d like you to do for me.”

“You name it.” Greg’s voice was certain.  
  
“....Get my mom to be okay with this.” She knew it was a long shot, but it was probably her best chance.  
  
“I can’t do the impossible,” Greg said, but his tone had humour in it. “But I’ll see what I can do. I think Sapphire had some kind of plan for that, but I’ll make sure she follows through.” He gave her a thumbs up.  
  
“Thanks Mr. Universe,” Connie said, getting up. “We should go see how they’re doing.”  
  
Greg suddenly grabbed Connie’s shoulder and she turned with the motion. He held out his palm in a familiar gesture.  
  
“Human beings?”  
  
Connie grinned and granted him the high-five. “Human beings.”  
  
She knew their conversation was just a band-aid for their ailing hearts. They took solace in their camaraderie and what hope they could muster, but things would not be set right until they had their arms around Steven once again.  
  
Still, she was glad Mr. Universe seemed to be getting over what happened. There wasn’t anything he could do this time — and that was okay. That didn’t mean he didn’t belong with the gems. That didn’t make him weak — just like being human didn’t make her weak. She was still strong enough to fight.  
  
She also knew he certainly had no due cause to feel guilty. He had already gotten Steven so far. He had done everything he could have possibly have.  
  
_Unlike me._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the support from readers thus far - you drive me forward.


	3. Guilty

“Remember to do everything Pearl tells you.”  
  
“Yes, mom.”  
  
“And don’t try anything reckless. You’re just backup.”  
  
“Yes, mom, I understand.”  
  
“What will you do if anything goes wrong?”  
  
“Get back to the ship and fly away.”  
  
“And what is your job on this mission?”  
  
“Guarding the ship.”

“Are you sure you want to do this?” Priyanka’s kneeled down and her eyes bored into her daughter  
  
“Yes,” Connie stared back resolutely, hiding any nerves. She couldn’t afford to show anything but confidence and determination.

Priyanka’s mouth was a hard line before she engulfed Connie into a vice-like hug. Connie let her mother work it out — she was happy just to have gotten this type of concession, after Mr. Universe was able to aid Sapphire in talking her mother into it.  
  
She tried to dull the ache in her own heart as she hugged her mom back.  
  
Priyanka released her daughter, holding her at arm’s length.  
  
“Make sure you come back,” Priyanka said. “So I can ground you for the next 10 years.”  
  
“I’ll come back, mom,” Connie grabbed one of her mother’s hands, shrugging off her bad attempt at humour. Priyanka nodded, before finally letting go and leaving Connie at the front door of her home.  
  
Priyanka walked right into Greg’s arms as he looked on, gently holding her as she sought the most immediate source of comfort she could find.  
  
Her mother’s sobs tore through Connie. She was glad her father was still at work and wasn’t there to make her feel any worse.  
  
“There, there, she’s going to be fine,” Greg said, offering a few pats on the back. He looked at Connie and Sapphire, who stood on the threshold. “You should probably go.”  
  
Connie simply nodded.  
  
“Thanks for everything, Mr. Universe.”  
  
“Don’t mention it,” he replied, as she turned around and closed the door on her home.

The fall chill was biting as the pair walked towards the closest warp pad about two miles outside Connie’s suburban neighbourhood. It was a lot more inconvenient than travelling via Lion, but supposedly the big cat was nowhere to be found.

Connie had never actually interacted with Sapphire outside of a shared dreamscape. It was strange seeing the small gem in the flesh, walking with a royal-like grace. She was not sure why it was Sapphire who had come to get her, but she figured it was a bad omen if she was separated from Ruby.  
  
Garnet always seemed like an unbreakable figure to Connie. Powerful and resolute, absolutely unbeatable. She had seen that Garnet had her own demons when she trained Steven and her, but Garnet also appeared to have such a strong handle on them — much more so than herself. The relationship that was Ruby and Sapphire looked strong enough to handle anything.  
  
It was something that Connie envied.  
  
But as a separate gem, Sapphire did not have the same mighty presence as her fused form. Sapphire was stoic and sure like Garnet, but lacked the sense of power that always seemed to radiate from the fusion. As they walked along, Connie peered backwards. She surmised the small trail of snow Sapphire left behind was also probably a bad sign.  
  
“I’m sure you have a lot of questions,” the gem said in her monotonous voice. Connie lost her train of thought as she struggled to think of what she should ask.  
  
“I...I guess I do,” Connie stuttered out.  
  
“Ask away. We have quite a ways to go yet. It is best you know what is to come.”  
  
Connie paused to consider what she should ask Sapphire. Despite her curiosity about the gem, one question dominated all others. One that nagged at the back of her mind that she was trying not to focus on.  
  
“Why did you talk to my mother for so long? Shouldn’t we be trying to move fast to save Steven?”  
  
Sapphire didn’t answer immediately. Connie waited, frowning as the gem took time to answer.  
  
“Patience,” Sapphie said suddenly. “Is needed here. We have to go in with a plan, and with an appropriate amount of preparation. Rushing in will only lead to our failure.”  
  
The wind howled past Connie’s ears as she considered the gem’s point. It sounded sensible, but something about it rubbed Connie the wrong way. Didn’t they need to act as fast as possible so Homeworld didn’t have time to mess with Steven?  
  
“Homeworld won’t really hurt Steven,” Sapphire said, as if reading Connie’s thoughts. “They think he’s just a human not worth much consideration. He will be fine for a little while. And there are…  some things we want to plan for before we retrieve him.”  
  
“Things like?”  
  
“Worst case scenarios,” Sapphire said cryptically. Connie frowned as they approached the edge of the suburb and could see the rolling grass hills up ahead.  
  
Sapphire was being withdrawn, much more so than she had grown accustomed to with Garnet. Connie realized she should not find that surprising. If Sapphire was unfused, she and Ruby must be arguing, which Steven had said brought out the worst in them. Connie tried to calculate a way to squeeze out the answers she sought. How would Steven approach this?  
  
“So...you can see scenarios where we go and rescue Steven?” Future vision had been hard for Connie to wrap her head around. It was all the more tricky when she tried to think about how it might be different for Sapphire compared to Garnet.  
  
“In essence,” Sapphire replied. “One at a time. It’s not as reliable as I once thought.”  
  
Connie considered the question bursting to the front of her mind. She knew it would not be a nice question to ask, but she did not feel up to politeness. She had to know.  
  
“Did you see Steven getting captured?”  
  
Connie walked a few more steps before she realized Sapphire had stopped. She turned around to see Sapphire standing in place, head tilted downward. The air felt colder and Connie noticed a small ring of ice building up from the bottom of Sapphire’s dress.  
  
She instantly regretted asking.  
  
“We saw many things that could have happened,” Sapphire replied. Her voice was lifeless. “We tried to avoid the worst. We did see that happening, but it was unlikely. One of the worst scenarios. I couldn’t stop it.”  
  
Connie immediately tried to fix her mistake as she stepped closer to the gem.  
  
“Hey, it’s okay,” Connie blurted out. “I...I didn’t mean to-"  
  
“The past is in the past,” Sapphire said, taking a large step out of the ring of ice that had grown up to her ankles. “All we can do now is look towards the future.”  
  
Connie stood still in the chilling wind as Sapphire stepped past her, ice trailing in the gem’s wake. Connie followed her, clutching a hand to her own chest.

“I’m so sorry,” Connie said. She did not appreciate being shrugged off as the guilt gnawed at her.  
  
“It is fine,” Sapphire brushed the apology aside. “It is not your fault.”  
  
The words hung in the air between them. Connie thought hard, trying to think of a way to help. The last thing she wanted was to leave Sapphire hurt due to her rudeness.  
  
“Sapphire, you know that-"  
  
“I think it’s best if we end this conversation for now,” Sapphire interrupted, clearly off-put. Connie’s hands balled into fists at the silencing tactic.  
  
Connie impulsively ran in front of Sapphire and tried to stare her down. It was difficult, with Sapphire’s eye hidden under her hair, but Sapphire paused all the same.  
  
“You’re not the only one that feels that way, you know!”  
  
The evening wind filled the empty space and sound between them. Sapphire’s face looked confused and Connie hoped she had managed to get through to her.  
  
“What?”  
  
“You’re not the only one that feels this way,” Connie repeated, gaining surety. She hoped she was guessing right at Sapphire’s problem.  “Who feels at fault. You...I could have been there. I _should_ have been there. Pearl taught me how to protect him...and I couldn’t.”  
  
Connie stared at the dying grass beneath her, flecks of snow tipping them from Sapphire’s frosty aura.  
  
“That’s…” Sapphire shattered the silence. “Illogical. You don’t need to feel that way, Connie.”  
  
Connie turned her head back up, surprised at the emotionless answer.

“Why that illogical?” Connie asked, taking a hard step toward the gem. “If I could have been there, I could have done something!”  
  
“Sorry,” Sapphire said, stepping back and turning around. Connie immediately stopped as the blue gem went meek before her.  “I’m sorry, Connie. I’m...I’m not good at this kind of thing. I can’t...I want to, but I don’t know what to do.”  
  
Connie stared at Sapphire’s back, hand stretched out, unsure of whether she should try to offer more comfort or if she could. Snow fell around them from the cloudy sky, the first glimpse of winter upon them. Neither of them could think of what to say or do.  
  
“SAPPHIRE!”  
  
Fortunately, a spark broke through the solid ice between the two.  
  
They heard a voice in the distance and both turned to see a strange fire start to approach them from across a couple of hills. The ball of flame didn’t spread, but was still closing in rapidly. Connie’s hand instinctively reached for her sword and drew it out, facing the approaching unknown and getting herself into a battle stance.  
  
But Sapphire stepped forward, arms in front of her, preparing to greet the oncoming flame.  
  
“You know you really shouldn’t do that Ruby,” Sapphire said as the gem stopped in front of her, the fire dissipating. Ruby stood hunched over and panting, trying to collect herself.  
  
“I’m sorry!” Ruby said suddenly, grasping Sapphire’s shoulders and pulling her into a hug. “It’s my fault! I was being stupid.”  
  
Sapphire shook in her lover’s arms but gently untangled herself from Ruby’s grip. She held Ruby at arm’s length while Ruby looked on befuddled.  
  
“It’s okay,” Sapphire said softly. “You weren’t being stupid. I understand how you feel. I.. wanted to go save him right away too. It wasn’t the right thing to do, but you mustn’t blame yourself.”  
  
“Like heck I won’t!” Ruby shouted. Connie noticed the grass beneath Ruby start to smoke as she watched the lover’s quarrel, unsure of what she should do.  
  
Sapphire shook her head. A small wet trail flowed down from under the bangs of her hair. “It wasn’t you that held us back. It was me.”  
  
“I was scared Sapphire!” Ruby hopped into the air as she shouted. “I just...I didn’t want to face her. I didn’t push us hard enough, I should have-"  
  
“It was my fault,” Sapphire said, grabbing Ruby’s suddenly flailing hands and trying to calm her lover down. “We saw all those futures and I just….froze up. I didn’t want to do anything. I just….just….” her sobs broke her speech as Ruby grabbed her and the two sank into the grass.  
  
“It was me, Sapphy,” Ruby said. “It was me. I’m sorry I broke apart from you. I should have stayed with you. I just...I was just so mad. I know...I know you were right. We’ll...we’ll get him back,” Ruby held the weeping Sapphire tight to her, tears shining across her own face as well.  
  
“He shouldn’t even be gone,” Sapphire mumbled.  
  
Connie let the scene play out, frozen to the ground as she sheathed her sword. She watched the pair of gems rock together and tried to think of something she could do, something she could say, anything to make this better and make the painful scene end.

She started to realize just what it was two were going through. Garnet bore the heavy burden of leadership from the crystal gems. She bore the vision that was supposed to guide them and protect them from falling into too much harm. She was torn seeing all the ways Blue Diamond’s visit to Earth could go wrong and being unable to stop one of the worst possibilities from coming to pass. Divided over what to do after it happened.  
  
Connie wracked her brain. She wished Steven were here — he was the emotional core that kept the gems together, brought them up when they were down. That wasn’t a role she would ever be able to step into.  
  
But perhaps empathy could be enough.  
  
Connie stepped closer to the pair and sat down next to them, crossing her legs. The crying pair of gems looked up, seeing the human girl close her eyes and lay Rose’s sheathed sword across her lap, as if meditating.  
  
“If I were there, I could have done something,” Connie said, repeating her point from earlier. She looked down and noticed wet marks appear on the pink sword beneath her. “I could have protected him, we could have fought together, gotten away. But I didn’t get to be there. I was stuck here when he needed me.”  
  
Connie didn’t look up, but she heard the sobbing of the gems stop. There was a tense silence as Connie struggled to get her feelings off her chest.  
  
“It’s hard,” Connie said, clutching the sword closer to her. “I know how you feel. To want to do more. I’m just...sorry. I wish I -”  
  
There was a familiar sound. A hand grabbed Connie’s shoulder and the small girl looked up. It was hard to see through her eyes watering due to the cold and misery, but Garnet’s outline was easy to recognize. Garnet gently grabbed the sword out of her hands and placed it aside, before hugging Connie tightly.  
  
“I guess we’re all being a little illogical,” Garnet said. Connie just clutched and put her face into Garnet’s shoulder, too drained of energy to do anything else. The two held close together and watched as a full moon rose higher and peeked through the clouds in the sky. The world would keep turning.

Garnet slowly untangled herself from Connie. “Lay down,” Garnet said, before flopping down herself. Perplexed, Connie did as she was told, laying down next to the now statuesque gem.  
  
Away from the lights of suburbia, the stars began to peek out from above the shifting clouds. They were breathtaking. It was easy enough to forget universe's captivating beauty. The peaceful stargazing helped Connie take pause for what was happening — the ever patient Garnet’s intent.  
  
“Sometimes, I just wish I didn’t have all this human stuff to do,” Connie eventually confessed as she relished the moment, hands folded.  
  
“Your humanity is part of who you are,” Garnet replied. Connie was happy to have the sagely version of Garnet with her right now. “It’s part of who Steven is. It’s not a part of you that you should turn your back on.”  
  
“I know, I know,” Connie sighed, twiddling her thumbs. “But I hear all these stories from Steven about his adventures and what he gets up to when I’m not around. Even after I learned how to fight, I’m stilling missing so much...and I’m not there to help him. I just...don’t want to miss out anymore.”  
  
Connie paused, eyes rolling over to her stoic companion, gauging her expression.  
  
“I...I kind of wish I had what you do.”  
  
A small smile appeared on Garnet’s face, but the fusion kept her gaze skyward.  
  
“What do you mean?”  
  
Connie struggled to think of how she could explain it. It was hard for her to think about the comparison between Garnet and what she and Steven shared.  
  
“You….Ruby and Sapphire…” Connie paused to collect her thoughts again before proceeding “You’re always there for each other. And even when you split apart, it doesn’t seem like you’re ever separated for long. Everything that happens to you, you face together. You don’t miss out on each other’s lives, because your lives are...the same.”  
  
“I don’t know if I want to be a fusion forever,” Connie said quickly, turning her head back to the stars. “It’s….hard to think about, doing what you do. But I still want to be there with Steven every step of the way. And if I’m going to protect him — and the rest of the world — I feel like I need to be with him more. I wasn’t there to defend him this time, when he needed it. I don’t want that to happen again.”  
  
Connie looked over to Garnet again, awaiting a response. The girl saw the fusion look down at her own hands, gazing down at the palms that held her two gems.  
  
“Ruby and Sapphire existed for hundreds of years before they really met on Earth. But when they did…” Garnet clasped her hands together. “They realized that they completed one another. And in time, they never wanted to be apart. Their existence as Homeworld gems before that was not anything worth staying for.”  
  
Garnet got up into a sitting position, turning her gaze to the landscape ahead of her. The faint outline of Beach City could be seen from the top of the hill they sat on. Connie moved up with her, watching Garnet in rapt attention.  
  
“The truth is, I see a lot of me in you and Steven,” Garnet said, looking down at Connie. The human girl blushed and turned her head away. “I haven’t said it before, but I think you should know that. And however the pair of you decide to live out your lives together, I’ll support it.”  
  
“But…” Garnet went on, looking back at the skyline and her home in the distance. “Humans are different from us. We fell in love with what they were, even though we couldn’t exactly share it. Humans grow and live freely — and that was something Ruby and Sapphire didn’t have on Homeworld. It’s something you should treasure.”

Connie eyes looked with Garnet at the outline of Beach City, many miles in the distance. She thought about all the people there and the bustle of the ocean-side town. She thought about her parents. She thought about her school and her teachers, and the friends she was starting to make there.  
  
She also remembered all the days Steven and her just spent reading books together, or watching movies, or just hanging out at the beach. The days she longed to have again.  
  
“Thanks, Garnet,” Connie said, smiling. She looked up at the fusion, who was smiling right along with her. She wished she could find something to help Garnet, like the fusion had helped her.  
  
“I can’t really relate to the future vision stuff,” Connie said. She scolded herself internally for not holding a candle to Steven at comforting people. “But Steven….he’d say it’s not your fault, either. I’m sure he wouldn’t-"  
  
Garnet shook her head and brought a finger to her lips, gently shushing Connie.  
  
“It _is_ hard,” Garnet said. “When you can’t stop some things from happening. But I know I can’t blame myself. I fell into bad, old habits of relying too much on future vision. But I’ve long since realized I can’t really control the future. Sometimes, I need a reminder about that.”  
  
Garnet grinned down at Connie. “You helped me find myself again. Thank you for that, Connie.”  
  
“Oh,” Connie found herself blushing again and instinctively curled her body in slightly. “Don’t mention it. I didn’t really do anything.”  
  
Garnet adjusted her spectacles, still smiling. Connie felt Garnet looking through her.  
  
“You sell yourself short,” Garnet said, patting Connie’s head briefly. “A trait you and Steven share.”  
  
“Perhaps,” Connie conceded, looking away from the unrelenting gaze. “He does that a lot more than me."  
  
“Perhaps,” Garnet echoed her, pulling her hand back as the two looked out into the distance. A comfortable silence fell between them, with only the distant sound of bugs and animals filling the night air.  
  
“It must be hard carrying that burden,” Connie said suddenly. “Being the leader, having future vision. How do you do all that?”  
  
“I learned from the best,” Garnet said. Connie could guess who that meant. “And I have a lot of help. Pearl, Amethyst, Steven — we’ve grown into a good team. I can rely on them, and they can rely on me. That’s how we get by.”  
  
Connie smiled at that. They were far from conventional, but at their core, they were as tight nit as her own family.  
  
After a few more minutes, Connie was first one to stand up, and she held out a hand to Garnet.  
  
“Should we get going? I’m sure the others are waiting for us.”  
  
Garnet smiled and took the small girl’s hand. “Lead the way.”  
  
The two walked side by side towards the nearby warp pad. Connie breathed deeply as they stepped on the crystalline platform.  
  
She couldn’t fault herself for losing Steven — that wouldn’t help anyone. She would take things out on who was really responsible — Homeworld.  
  
As the light engulfed her form and the distant outline of Beach City faded from view, her mind flashed back again to the warm summer days spent with Steven.  
  
She would get those days back. She had to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter, Despair, will be posted on March 4.
> 
> Thank you and credit to my editor, Meepyonnee, for helping make this story shine brighter. And thank you readers for the kind reviews and kudos; they never fail to brighten up my day.


	4. Despair

_Connie couldn’t believe that Steven had talked her into doing this. She couldn’t believe she was dancing, instead of crawling under her covers reading a book. She couldn’t believe she was actually enjoying herself._

_“So does this beat another night reading?” her dance partner, Steven said, reading her mind and looking far too dashing in his tiny tuxedo._  
  
_Connie giggled as the two continued their slow spin amidst the crowded auditorium of her middle school. The mere thought of going to her end-of-year dance and being visible to everyone would have once sent her into an anxious fit, but after everything she had gone through with Steven, it felt like a breeze._  
  
_Despite her initial trepidations, the night was going swimmingly. She let herself loose, focusing on just having fun with Steven instead of what people might think of her. It was challenging to deal with all the poking and prodding from both their sets of parents as they embarked to the school. It was even worse trying to introduce her classmates to her companion, who were befuddled that he actually existed._  
  
_But this moment — twirling with Steven in the darkness, surrounded by dozens of bodies and yet completely alone together with him — made it all worth it. Seeing Steven take it all in stride, his natural charm and desire to make friends making people quickly warm to him, was all worth it. Just watching his eyes shine through this human experience, unlike anything he had ever done, made it worth it._  
  
_“Connie,” Steven said suddenly, voice serious. “I’m really glad you took me this.”_  
  
_Connie blushed and looked up shyly at him. “And I’m really glad you convinced me to do so.”_  
  
_“Come on, I know you secretly wanted to,” Steven teased. “Why would you want to miss this?”_  
  
_“Well…” Connie droned, rolling her eyes. She saw the crystal gems — Pearl, Amethyst, and Garnet — at the side of the room, a bizarre trio of chaperones. Their faces were grave amidst a sea of smiles. It was strange._  
  
_“Well, don’t you think we should go?” Steven said. His arms fell off her shoulders. He suddenly seemed to be taller, and Connie couldn’t see his face in the dim lighting._  
  
_“What?” Connie asked, before a wall of pink blasted her back from Steven. She fell to the floor and looked up, seeing a gigantic pink bubble expand in front of her. The bubble was growing and her classmates screamed as they fled the quickly shrinking auditorium._  
  
_“We have to go,” Steven’s distant voice called. Connie cried out, wishing she had her sword, as she pushed against the bubble to try to get to Steven._  
  
_An arm grabbed her — she could tell the grip was Pearl’s — and she was falling, falling, falling into the darkness as the screams deafened her ears._  
  
_Connie was fighting ferociously against a turquoise gem twice her size. She slashed at the brute with Rose’s massive blade, but the gem dodged with a backstep, coming back to try to smash the pitiful human with a massive mace._  
  
_But Connie rolled away at the last second, narrowly avoiding decapitation. The gem had little time to be surprised by the human’s mobility before Connie impaled her, poofing the turquoise and letting the gem fall into the sand._  
  
_With the immediate threat gone, Connie gaze was captured hellish landscape around her. The sunset illuminated the sky with a reddish glow, as if on fire, as gems battled as far as her eye could see along the beach. The clang of blades constantly rang against her ears, drowning out the faint screams she would rather not hear. Puffs of smoke continued to spring up as gems fell in combat. Past the beach, she could see Beach City in the midst of ruin, the boardwalk torn apart by the fighting, the shops all smashed in. There were no traces of humanity left here._  
  
_“Watch out!” Steven’s voiced call from behind her. Connie turned just as the blade of a Ruby’s knife met Steven’s shield. Connie wasted no time, dashing forward and slashing at the small gem while she was preoccupied with Steven. She was rewarded with a poof._  
  
_“Close one,” Steven panted out. He reached out his hand. “Let’s get moving.”_  
  
_Connie nodded resolutely. She was glad to have Steven by her side for this. “Right,” she said, reaching her hand out — but then the hand was gone._  
  
_Rolling forward, she_ _slashed through another gem as she rushed desperately to get to Steven.  She could see him in the distance, unconscious and slung like a ragdoll over Jasper’s mighty shoulder. She yelled as loud as she could, focus the entirety of her being towards a desperate run to save Steven from the brutal gem’s clutches. She could not afford to fail here._  
_  
__But her distraction proved her downfall. Connie stopped suddenly as a sharp pang of pain filled her. She turned to see an unfamiliar Amethyst wielding a sword, which connected from her large hand to Connie’s right side. Connie slashed at the Amethyst, poofing her, but the damage was done._

 _Connie bit her lip and yanked the Amethyst’s sword out of her, screaming out in anguish. It was lost to the tortured cries of the battlefield. Connie, applied as much pressure as she could to the bloody wound as she slowly walked forward, determined to catch up to Jasper despite the injury._  
  
_But Jasper reached the massive blue ship in the distance. Connie felt so close as the bay doors slammed and the ship took off. She watched helplessly as the ship blasted off into the far reaches of space, a place she had no hope of reaching. She collapsed into the coarse sand as the war raged around her, awaiting her death as the battle ignored her failure._  
  
_Connie was soaked as she stood up from her spot laying down in the shallow waters of the coast. The glorious Rose Quartz was in front of her, sword and shield in hand, looking down on her with a deep frown. The pictures didn’t do the presence of Rose justice, but her face was dark, her eyes hidden by her massive pink curls._  
  
_Connie reached out as Rose Quartz turned, taking her sword back with her, as she marched into the sun setting atop the ocean. Connie found she couldn’t move, the water seeming to chain her in place. She looked around desperately for help and saw the rest of the Crystal gems behind her on the beach. They all looked at Connie, completely indifferent to her distress. Steven was not there amongst them. He never would be again._  
  
_Rose Quartz faded from view and Connie cried, her tears joining the tide. She heard the sound of rushing water and saw a massive tidal wave before her. Resigned to her fate once more, Connie looked down and let the wave wash her away into the dark pits of the ocean._  
  
_It wasn’t worth fighting._

Connie awoke, gasping as pain reverberated through her skull. She tried to shake off the grogginess in a bid to recollect what she just went through — a dance, a bloody battle, death... _Rose Quartz_ . The nightmare was painful, but a part of her felt compelled to chase the fleeting memories.  
  
It was proving easier than expected. Her eyes moistened as she remembered how it felt to see Steven carried away in front of her — a horror stolen from her in reality. She grabbed her phone from her side and swiped to her pictures, pulling out a goofy selfie with Steven outside the library. Her heart ached and she longed to call her best friend to tell him about her nightmare. She had been his late night confidant for bad dreams on several occasions, and she was sure he’d be able to help her in-kind.  
  
The splitting of her head faded into a dull throb as Connie wiped her tears on her sleeve, pinching her temple as she tried to compose herself. She should get some more rest, but sleep was probably far beyond her now. With that in mind, she settled on taking an early morning walk to clear her thoughts.  
  
Connie got up from her uncomfortable sleeping position leaning against a dusty wall of the barn. The home of Lapis and Peridot, filled with an astonishing amount of junk. Tin cans hanging from the ceiling, old televisions arranged in bizarre piles, and a group of toilets that boggled Connie’s mind. It was lively, if nothing else.  
  
But it was also harrowingly empty. When she and Garnet had arrived, there was nobody to be found other than Peridot, who was still hammering away at the inside of the Ruby ship. Connie learned they would not be departing until tomorrow to avoid running into the diamonds at the housed Steven, and it seems the rest of the crystal gems had taken that as an invitation to leave the area for the time being.

Connie stepped outside the barn’s open door as a yell came from the nearby spaceship. She could see the internal light coming from within it and heard a steady stream of drills and frustrated shouts. Peridot was working to improve the ship with what little time they had, and had already made it quite clear to Connie that she had no interest in being disturbed. Perturbed and not well acquainted with the reformed enemy, Connie was more than happy to oblige.  
  
But Peridot was also the only one nearby she could talk to about her nightmare. Connie dismissed the option and sighed as she walked around the outside of the barn. She thought about calling her mother, but decided against ripping open that conversation again. If she called mom now, she was positive it would lead to more painful pleas for her to stay on Earth.  
  
Once again, Connie’s heart ached for Steven. In the cool night air, she took a deep breath, closed her eyes and tried to take the time to meditate on it. Steven was her closest confidante. Of course she wanted him safely back home and available instead of captured and locked away. That thought made her miserable, but she could not let it consume her.    
  
Continuing her walk, Connie turned the corner to the opposite end of the barn and saw the back of her mentor. She was surprised to see Pearl return already, after Garnet had left to drag the other crystal gems to the barn. Had Pearl been here the whole time?  
  
With a sword grasped tightly in one hand, Pearl went through several slow motions. Connie had always been entranced by her master’s swordplay — she made it look like an elegant dance, and she aspired to one day be able to match it. But something about Pearl seemed off. Her movements were sluggish, and her forms didn’t seem to have coherence, her limbs often reaching into seemingly random directions.  
  
“One, two, three, _damn it_ ,” Pearl muttered, barely loud enough for Connie to hear. “This is ridiculous,” Pearl fell to the ground, tossing her sword aside, sitting haphazardly as she gazed outward toward the brightening horizon.  
  
“Maybe I should have kept going,” Pearl said to herself, looking at something Connie couldn’t see.  
  
“Pearl?” Connie decided to end the eavesdropping.  
  
Pearl sprang up as quick as a bolt, hair standing on end. She turned to Connie with a slightly crazed look in her red-stained, puffy eyes.  
  
“Connie!” Pearl said with an overwhelming amount of enthusiasm. “So glad to see you!” The gem’s hands clasped together. “Did everything go well over there?”  
  
Connie was more than a little off-put by her mentor’s snap change in mood. She had seen Pearl vulnerable before, but she had never seen her this...unhinged. Still, Connie was not sure how she could broach that subject politely, so avoided it.  
  
“It was difficult,” Connie said. “But my mother accepted my mission. Greg was a big help.”  
  
Pearl nodded slowly. “I’m sure he was. Well, I’m glad to have you here.” Pearl’s false smile fell. “Listen, Connie, about what I said earlier — I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have been dismissive of you.”  
  
Connie held up a hand placatingly. “It’s fine, Pearl. I...I know I haven’t been doing this long and it might not make much sense for me to go. But still, I feel like I have to. I have to protect Steven.”  
  
“Yes, that’s exactly why you should go,” Pearl interrupted Connie with a hand on her shoulder. Connie looked up to see a more genuine smile from the thin gem. Connie struggled to, but managed to grin back.  
  
“Well then!” Pearl sprang up straight and clapped her hands together. “We have some time to kill! What say we get in a few practice sessions before heading to Homeworld tomorrow?!”  
  
“I’d love to,” Connie replied, but a her stomach made a loud rumble, crying its protest. Connie blushed, looking away from the sly grin of her master. “Umm…”  
  
“Well, we’ll handle that first,” Pearl said, humour in her voice, although it sounded forced. “Let’s get back to…” Pearl stopped herself, trailing off suddenly. “You know what, I know of a very quaint dining establishment over at Mountain City. Come Connie, my treat.”

Breakfast was a whirlwind — a quick teleport, a quiet, peaceful meal and a journey to a forest clearing close to the barn. The two spent their early morning joyously discussing sword training, which let them keep their minds off of more miserable things. Connie was over eager to dive into training, and Pearl was more than happy to oblige.  
  
Connie dressed into her purple battle garb — a fortunate pack in her haste to leave her home — and started to warm up.  
  
“Alright Connie,” Pearl said, summoning a holo-pearl and handing a sabre to it. “Level nine, free form. We’re going to cut straight to the chase today. Show me what you can do.”  
  
“Yes ma’am!” Connie said eagerly, getting into position across from the holo pearl.

“DO YOU WISH TO ENGAGE IN COMBAT?” the faux pearl said in its robotic tone.  
  
“Let this be the perfect battle,” Connie replied, before surging forward and attacking.

The clang of clashing blades, the thuds of rapid feet, the pounding of her own heart  — this was the symphony that Connie now lived for.  
  
It was cathartic, doing battle with a high level holo-pearl. When face-to-face with a foe with a sharp blade, your life on the line, there was nothing to think about but your next strike, their next counter, or planning your next five steps in advance. The dance of blades was consuming. Her thoughts had no time to wander.  
  
It was a dangerous song to live for, Connie knew. But she also knew it was worth it.  
  
There were few trials Pearl had that were a match for Connie at this point. The holo-pearl twisted backward and came at Connie with a right side slash, but Connie easily parried and then swung an elbow into the face of the holo-pearl. Her foe staggered, Connie pushed the blade of the pearl back, ducked the expected wild swing, and slashed for the legs, ending the battle.  
  
Connie took a few deep breaths, wiping the sweat from her brow. Despite the unfamiliar place and circumstances, it almost felt like a regular practice session with Pearl.  
  
“Very good, Connie,” her mentor said, a proud smile forming on Pearl’s face. “You’ve come very far.”  
  
“Thank you. Your tutelage is impeccable,” Connie replied, giving a respectful bow her master. It was truly Pearl that had given Connie the chance to fight with Steven, and the means to do it. For that, she would be forever grateful.  
  
“Don’t sell yourself short,” Pearl preened, having no shortage of pride in her pupil. “You have taken to swordsmanship better than any human I’ve ever seen. Homeworld will have another thing coming if they underestimate you.” The gem’s face fell into a frown at the thought of Steven’s captors.

Connie blushed, as she often did at praise from Pearl at the end of their lessons. Connie was no stranger to compliments from teachers, but the gravitas of Pearl gave the kind words a lot more weight.  
  
Over the past few months, Pearl and Connie had fallen into an easy rhythm as Connie was honed into a mighty weapon. Since Steven had confronted them, Connie knew their relationship was a lot healthier too — with Pearl showing off more of her motherly side to Connie between sessions.  
  
Despite the circumstances, and Pearl’s previous strange behaviour, nothing seemed different about the practice, their routine slipping easily back into place. Amidst all the chaos in the wake of Steven’s capture, it was refreshing.  
  
Still, Connie was concerned about Pearl. She had put on enough facades in her own life to see Pearl was bottling up her turmoil. But if Pearl wanted to put on a brave face, Connie was not going to stop her. Not when it gave her a chance to forget about her own fears and the nightmare the gnawed at the back of her mind.  
  
“However,” Pearl said suddenly, jolting Connie out of her thoughts. Pearl’s face had fallen and a familiarly dark look emerged on her master. “Our next mission will put us face to face with Homeworld gems. You may be put into real combat — without Steven there to protect you. It’s quite a lot to take on.”  
  
Connie stared up at Pearl resolutely. “I know. But I’m ready for this. You’ve taught me well and I know I can do this. I’m ready.” The repeated mantra had become as much a method to convince herself as others.  
  
Pearl circled around Connie like a shark, sizing up the human’s body and posture. “You have come a long way,” Pearl said. “But I still feel uneasy. You haven’t ever fought a Homeworld gem before one-on-one, without fusion. I think it’s best we get some more practice in.”  
  
“Whatever you wish. I can take it.”  
  
Pearl smiled grimly. She picked up the sabre of the fallen holo-Pearl a few feet away and pointed the blade straight at Connie.  
  
“I think you need a match against a real gem,” Pearl stated. “Before you’re a match against Homeworld.”  
  
Connie drew out Rose’s sword and got into a ready stance, but a trace of confusion slipped across her face. She had sparred Pearl several times before, albeit lightly, with Pearl undoubtedly holding back.

“This time,” Pearl said. “I’m not going to take it too easy on you, Connie. Consider this one of your last tests. I had hoped we would have some more months together before this moment, but time has run out of us. I need to know you’re ready before this mission.”  
  
Connie nodded back, putting a battle face on. She was surprised and honoured that Pearl wanted to _really_ spar with her, but she had no time to let the moment sink in. She had to prove herself to her master and backup all of her big talk she had given to mother and Greg. She had to show that she really _was_ ready to fight Homeworld.  
  
“ _I am the blade the shall pierce every foe_ ,” Pearl began to recite an oath as she started a circular walk.

Connie mimicked her opponent’s movements. The gem had recently taught Connie the words she told herself before every battle back in the Gem War. Words that had, supposedly, never been told to anyone else. She was unsure why Pearl wanted to go through it now, but she would not question it.  
  
_“An undying dance that slashes through war_ ,” Connie recited back, long since memorizing the poem that Pearl had taught her. Connie supposed the words would become hers now, too.  
  
“ _The glint of my sword, they shall fear and know_ ,” Pearl continued, feet moving faster. Connie matched her steps.  
  
“ _Until the Earth is won forevermore_ ,” Connie said in response. After all she had gone through, she felt as committed to that as much as Pearl was.  
  
“ _For Earth, for him, I will defend_ ,” Pearl said, stopping in her tracks and starring Connie down. The line had changed, but the vow had not.  
  
Connie stared right back at her master. Her face ticked upward in a small smile of anticipation.  
  
“ _Love guide me until battle’s end,_ ” Connie finished, before Pearl dashed upon her.

Connie easily parried the first strike — a flying stab towards her gut — but Pearl spun back and was quickly upon her with a flurry of slashes that Connie struggled to block. Pearl’s opening ferocity — unlike anything Connie had seen in their previous sessions — put Connie on the retreat as she tried to find an opening in her master’s relentless attack.

The human tried to put some distance between her and Pearl, but every dodge backwards was met with a split-second lunge from the gem. Connie then attempted to duck and go for a rolling strike at Pearl’s legs, but a slamming slash that Connie barely blocked, the clang echoing loudly into the forest, put an end to that. Connie pushed back and sprang back up with a back flip, deciding against using that potentially dangerous tactic again.  
  
Still, as Connie tried to gauge this version of her opponent — Pearl had always taught her to analyze her enemies as much as possible — she could see a vulnerable wildness in some of Pearl’s attacks. The gem was a master of swordsmanship, her sequential strikes always maintaining structure, but Pearl was continually throwing in wild, powerful slashes that tended to break chains of swift, precise strikes. The swings were straining to parry, and Pearl had not let herself open despite the flaw in form, but Connie wondered if that might be the key to landing a blow.  
  
Connie waited, keeping on the defensive as Pearl continued her assault. Her master’s face was a mask of darkness, anger etched upon it that was frightening. But Connie took it as at training tactic — the Homeworld gems would undoubtedly be as ferocious.  
  
Pearl slashed at Connie, the human counting the strikes — left, right, left, right, one, two, three, four — before the gem brought her arm back farther, winding up another reverberating blow. Connie took that split second to attack, putting all of her strength into pushing Pearl’s blade. To both their surprise, Pearl’s grip loosened, and her sabre went flying backwards. The gem was disarmed, and Connie held her sword to Pearl’s neck. She had won.  
  
Connie keeled over, grinning from ear to ear as she caught her breath. She had done it — she had defeated her master. She looked back up, expecting to see Pearl’s beaming face. Instead, she barely got her sword back up in time as Pearl came back at her with another powerful strike and an empty gaze.  
  
“Never,” Pearl spat out, punctuating herself with a clang of swords. “Relax until your foe is truly defeated. You can never show mercy until your opponent completely submits.”  
  
“But -” Connie struggled to reply as she narrowly sidestepped another slash by Pearl. Furious, Connie tried to find her opening again to end this duel victoriously. One, two, three, four — Pearl stepped back and came at her with another mighty swing.  
  
Connie tried to attack, but Pearl would not fall for the same tactic twice. With a dexterity and nimbleness that might be beyond human, Pearl twisted out of the way of Connie’s blow, changing the trajectory of her sword mid swing. Connie’s blade swung past Pearl’s head as the gem was able to complete her attack uncontested.  
  
The world stopped and Connie’s breath was ripped out of her. Every part of her spun inwards onto one, burning point of pain in her body. Connie twisted her eyes down to her stomach. Pearl’s blade was embedded deep into Connie’s left side. Pearl, still gripping the handle, held her hand over her mouth, looking horrified. Connie could only imagine her own face looked the same.  
  
“No, no, no,” Pearl chanted, trying to gently pull the blade out of Connie’s side. The rippling wave of pain momentarily knocked Connie out of consciousness and she fell to the ground backwards.  
  
Connie tried to keep her head, but the pain was overbearing. Free of the sword, she gritted her teeth, eyes welling up as she applied pressure with both her hands to the wound. She gasped out a cry and then bit her lip hard, but kept it up. She could not imagine that this would be her first grave injury; she had to be ready to bear it.  
  
Pearl rushed upon her, ripping Connie’s hands away and taking over treatment of the wound. The gem frantically tore at Connie’s training outfit, trying to gain better access and gather unbloodied cloth to dress the human’s side. Connie let her arms fall, feeling weak and struggling to combat an overpowering desire to close her eyes.  
  
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” Pearl pleaded softly, but Connie couldn’t tell who she talking to. She could see her master was weeping. “You’ll be fine, you’ll be fine, just stay awake. Please, Connie, stay awake.”  
  
But Connie could barely hear her now. The fight was over and she just wanted to rest. She didn’t want to deal with this right now.  
  
Darkness washed over her.

* * *

A sharp throb pounded in Connie’s head as she tried to cut through her grogginess and awaken. Flashes of memory popped through the fog of her mind after her dreamless sleep — Steven was gone, she was sparring against Pearl, she had won, she was-  
  
Connie gasped and instinctively reached a hand to her left side. There were no clothes in the way — she noticed now a large hole had been torn around where the wound was — but the skin there was smooth, though tender. She looked down and though the skin was a little reddened, with a sharp line etched around her stomach where the blade had cut, there was no blood.  
  
She breathed a sigh of relief, and noticed where she was. It was unfamiliar, but a massive fountain with a pink statue at the base of the staircase she lay on gave it away. Pearl had brought her to Rose’s fountain, and healed her injury with the water.  
  
Connie flopped backwards onto the the stone, gazing up at the star-shaped archway. She wasn’t injured. She was going to be okay. She was going to live.  
  
“So why does it still hurt so much?” Connie said to herself. Tears started to form and before long, she found herself wracked with sobs.  
  
She was supposed to be a mighty warrior. Her life was meaningful, but if she had to give it up to protect her planet, that was a price she was willing to pay. She knew she was going to get hurt doing this, already had been — so why was she so overcome confronted by her own mortality?  
  
Connie huddled into a ball, crying into her knees. She was overcome with a sense of homesickness, longing to be back safe in her mother’s arms. Away from the battle, away from fighting. Away from the prospect of having to fight an army of murderous gems who would probably crush her, as Pearl had. She wished she had Steven there to lean on — and the thought sent her into a fresh round of sobs.  
  
She wasn’t sure how long she stayed there, huddled up and alone. A hand on her shoulder momentarily snapped Connie out of her misery, and she looked up through teary eyes to see Pearl looking tepidly down upon her.  
  
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have left, I just...couldn't —” Pearl was interrupted as Connie leapt up and enveloped Pearl into a tight hug. Pearl stiffened in her grasp, but hugged back and soon found her own eyes start to water.  
  
“I wish he was here,” Connie said suddenly between gasping breaths. She wanted that comfort, that strength. She felt like she wanted to be Stevonnie, just be out of her own skin and find completeness.  
  
Pearl grabbed Connie and the two fell to the ground, neither strong enough to keep standing.

“I’m so, so sorry,” Pearl chanted, trying to make her embrace soothing. Her own weepy breaths undermined her efforts to be comforting. “This is all my fault.”  
  
“No,” Connie managed to breath out, looking up at Pearl. “I know it was an accident. I’m just...just... _pathetic_.”

“No!” Pearl held Connie tighter, burying the girl in an embrace. “You did so well. You won Connie. You are _incredible._ I took it too far. I couldn’t control myself. I have no excuse.”  
  
Connie’s sobbing subsidized momentarily. She pushed against Pearl and looked back up a the gem imploringly.  
  
“Is...is it Steven?” Connie asked.  
  
Pearl closed her eyes, concentrating. Connie could see Pearl was trying to keep herself from letting too much out. Pearl gulped, before slowly nodding.  
  
Pearl disentangled herself from Connie to scooch over to the side of the archway, leaning back against it. She gazed upward at the human, putting on a sad smile and patting the space next to her.  
  
“I owe you an explanation,” Pearl said, regaining some composure, but betrayed by the sad look in her eyes. Overcome with curiosity, Connie sniffled, before moving over to sit next to her master.  
  
Pearl sighed deeply, pinching her temple. “I’ve been running for far too long. I’ve been trying to get a handle on myself again, but...it gets hard, from time to time.”  
  
The gem gazed over at the statue of Rose Quartz, crying magnificently. Connie’s eyes followed, face sinking into a deep frown.  
  
“Rose was...everything to me,” Pearl said. Connie couldn’t help but wince at the pain in Pearl’s voice. “But she’s gone. It’s taken me fourteen years, but I had thought I was coming to terms with that. I even…” Pearl blushed, and Connie looked back up to her with more confusion. “...Started making some friends.”  
  
“But when Steven…” Pearl’s hands clenched into fists and her face scrunched up. “I tried to keep composed but….I just couldn’t. Steven...he keeps me going now. He...he’s done so much for all of us. For me. When I heard he was captured, it felt...like I was losing everything again.”  
  
Pearl stopped, eyes closing as she lost her nerve to speak. This time, it was Connie who tried to be the comforter, grabbing Pearl’s hand and squeezing tightly.

“I ran away,” Pearl went on. “Tried to lose myself. Do anything to not think about it. Go out and...rebel,” she said, stumbling on how to describe it. “It didn’t go very well.”  
  
“What happened?”  
  
Pearl blushed again. “I did some things at some human parties I regret. I may have also led a high speed police chase. With a few cars.”  
  
Connie decided not to ask how many.  
  
“With that going...poorly...I decided I would just come back to the barn and try to focus on teaching on you. Something else I could put my mind to, and forget about everything else” Pearl looked back down at Connie, frowning. “But...I couldn’t control myself. I would swing my sword and my mind would keep flashing back to the war and how I’ll be fighting Homeworld again, or to Steven and I’d lose focus. I...I didn’t want to lose to you, and instead I lost myself in the moment. I’m so sorry.”  
  
“It wasn’t so bad,” Connie wanted to reassure Pearl somehow, of at least the training session, if nothing else. “It was...fun to challenge you like that. And maybe it’s….good,” Connie gulped on the word. “That I go through something like that. So I’m more ready the next time.”  
  
“Connie, do not think that way,” Pearl stated severely. “You’re not going to fight well if you disregard your well-being completely. I understand that well enough now, at least when it comes to humans.”  
  
Connie looked down sadly at her ruined training garb. “I’m not sure if I’m going to be able to fight well at all anymore. Or if I —”  
  
She felt her shoulder being grabbed and was fully turned to look at Pearl staring into her with a frightening intensity.  
  
“Connie, you’re one of the strongest fighters I’ve ever had the pleasure of battling. You have incredible patience, precision and skill. I know you’re ready to fight against Homeworld gems — and win.”  
  
Connie couldn’t meet Pearl’s eyes anymore. She was filled with doubt, but what could she possibly say to that?  
  
“Thank you,” Connie said, barely above a whisper. Pearl nodded, letting Connie go. The pair leaned back against the wall and sighed in unison.  
  
“I hate this feeling,” Pearl said. “Like...the world is so much darker. Like the light is gone. I hate having to feel this again.”  
  
“Like there’s nothing you can do,” Connie replied, empathetic. “And you have to find things that can distract you from that emptiness you feel.”  
  
Pearl’s eyes darted to Connie, surprised. The human girl stared back sadly.  
  
“But you know you have help” Connie said. Words part of her needed to hear too. “It’s...we can save Steven. And you have people here for you. Garnet, Amethyst...me.”  
  
Connie squeezed Pearl’s hand tighter. “I know Steven was the best at this kind of thing. That he has a way of...lighting up the world,” Connie tried to control the bittersweet sting of reminiscing from taking her voice. “But even if he’s gone, you still have people to live for. We have to get by without him for now. Sometimes, you have to rely on others.” She thought back to her conversations with Garnet, Greg, even her own mother. “It’s helped me a lot. You shouldn’t be afraid to come to us when you need it.”

Pearl couldn’t hold back the sobs anymore. She sunk further to the ground and Connie embraced her, holding on, as Pearl wept into her shoulder. Try as she might, Connie couldn’t help but follow her lead.  
  
Underneath Rose’s tearful gaze, the two clinged to one another. In the wake of Steven’s capture, they were lost. But they could still lean against each other. They could still heal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The fifth trial, Rage, will be posted on March 11.
> 
> Thank you for all the support for this story thus far. I look forward to sharing the rest of this adventure with you.


	5. Rage

“...After we find out where he’s being held, we find a way to get inside — you’ll probably be best suited for that, Connie. Find him, sneak him out, and get back to the ship. If we all play our parts properly, they should never even realize who we actually were and we won’t even have to raise our weapons.” Garnet finished her mission briefing to the small assembled group of Pearl, Amethyst, Connie and Peridot, all standing in a loose circle around the fusion near the barn. The sun was setting in the distance, marking the end of the last day before they would depart. Only twelve hours remained before they risked it all to get their Steven back.  
  
“How likely is that to happen?” Pearl asked, rubbing her chin in thought. Connie was about to ask the same question — the idea of sneaking in and getting out without having to fight seemed too good to be realistic.  
  
“Slim,” Garnet replied, stone-faced, to her troops.  “But it’s probably the best chance we got.”  
  
“Probably gonna get messy,” Amethyst said, looking distinctly bored as her eyes scanned the horizon. She gave a casual thumbs up. “Sounds good to me.”  
  
“This plan relies far too much on an improbable chance,” Peridot said, and try as she might to school her features into one devoid of doubt, the fear in her voice was not unnoticed by Connie. “Surely, you can think of something better?”  
  
“We’ll be fine, and so will you. Just stay on the ship and nobody will be the wiser,” Garnet said with a casual confidence that almost reassured Connie. Almost. “Yellow Diamond would be too ashamed to tell anyone about your betrayal. Your cover will be stronger than any of ours.”  
  
“Because nobody would ever want to betray Yellow Diamond!” Peridot blurted out in reflex. She paused and a look of surprise crossed her face, before she blushed and looked away. “Other than me, of course,” she coughed out.  
  
“Right then. That aside, any other questions?” Garnet looked at Connie pointedly before she even had the chance to raise her hand. “Connie?”  
  
“Shouldn’t Lapis be here for this?” The watery gem’s absence weighed on Connie, despite a degree of mistrust she felt about her after their previous battles.  
  
Garnet adjusted her visor. “I can’t say for certain if she will join us. But if she does, it’s going to have to be as backup — I don’t see any possibilities where she could sneak in with us.”  
  
Connie nodded. Overall, their routine was as sensible as could be, given the circumstances. It could all go horribly wrong and get them killed, but stealth was the most logical option. They had no hopes of fighting their way into Steven’s prison against the might of Homeworld; doing so would _definitely_ get them killed. This was their best chance at success. And if they were lucky, she might not even have to fight.  
  
“Are you okay Connie?” Pearl asked, moving over to put a hand on Connie’s shoulder. Connie hadn’t realized she was trembling.  
  
“Yeah, I’m..I’m fine,” Connie said, taking a deep breath. trying to swallow her nerves. Pearl did not look convinced, but Garnet mercifully intervened.  
  
“We’re all nervous,” Garnet stated, but giving no outward sign of any turmoil. “But if we stick together, we’ll get through this. Connie, we have a difficult journey ahead of us. You should go get some rest.”  
  
"Right, rest!” Connie said, suddenly feeling a little desperate to get out of the conversation. Even if the light was still fading outside, a soft bed sounded wonderful. She gave a respectful bow to the group, tried to flash a convincing enough smile, stretched her arms and walked in the barn where she would sleep alone for the night.  
  
Connie collapsed onto a mattress the gems had pulled from one of the many piles of junk around the barn, not caring enough to mind how filthy it was. The bizarre, messy art gallery around her could not draw her gaze as she eagerly sought to retreat from the outside world. She closed her eyes and let her mind wander.  
  
Her conversation with Pearl had left them both on the mend, but had also magnified her fears. The briefing that Garnet had put them through as soon they returned — after a few hugs and some comforting words from the fusion — had only further compounded all of her anxieties about what was to come.  
  
She was twelve, going on thirteen, about to embark into space on a dangerous, life-threatening mission to save the boy she loved more than anything. She was living something out of her wildest fantasy novels — had been since she had met Steven. But the gravity of what this really entailed was starting to sink in. In her adrenaline-fueled rush to rescue Steven, she hadn’t focused much on the journey — only on what she knew she had to do to save him. Still had to do. Everything that entailed — going into deep reaches of space, fighting through hordes of brutish gems, risking her young life — had been secondary. But now, with the mission upon them, the danger was slamming urgently at her reason and anxiety.  
  
Committing to the Crystal Gems’ cause seemed so much simpler before, with Steven there beside her, the gems carefully guiding her development with their awe-inspiring power, and the threats being isolated and on _her_ home turf. But the looming risk of this mission, sans Steven, threw all of that careful balance into chaos.  
  
Her turmoil was hard to digest. A thousand little thoughts seem to swarm around her head and she struggled to find a way through them. She tried to mediate, grasp onto one concrete, comforting idea.

The only thing she could come up with was her burning desire to rescue Steven, despite all the trials she would have to face to do so. That thought didn’t help. She felt her chest tighten and her eyes water. She tried to focus on her breathing to stop panic from consuming her.

“Psst, Connie,” said a voice from the barn’s entrance. Connie whipped her head around, startled, eyes meeting Amethyst, who trudged in without a care. The short gem had a fiendish grin, but held a finger to her mouth in an ask for silence.  
  
“Amethyst? What is it?” Connie croaked, hopeful her voice didn’t betray her misery. She tried to wipe her wet eyes and keep them out of the fading light of the barn. She had no desire to try to verbalize her struggles right now. Especially not to Amethyst, who would be far from her first choice in a confidante.  
  
“You wanna blow this place?” Amethyst asked in a hushed voice. “Last night on Earth, we should go out and have some fun instead of laying around here.”  
  
Connie gave Amethyst a confused glance. “Shouldn’t we get some rest before we embark?”  
  
Amethyst pursed her lips and scoffed at Connie’s question. “Come on, Connie. I don’t want to spend these last hours just waiting around doing nothing. Who knows when we’ll get back? I just want to blow off some steam and forget about all this mission stuff. Whaddya say?”  
  
“I…” Connie’s first instinct was to refuse, but she bit her tongue and thought about it. If she stuck around and tried to sleep, she’d probably end up wallowing in a spiral of miserable thoughts, have more nightmares, or both. Maybe having a night of fun with Amethyst wasn’t such a bad idea.  
  
“What about the others?” Connie asked, deflecting the question. She didn’t want to commit to anything right away.  
  
Amethyst rolled her eyes. She held up five fingers in front of Connie.“There’s no way Pearl and Garnet would want to do something like this right now. Waaay too uptight,” Amethyst put two of her fingers down. “Peridot already said no and who knows where Lapis is,” another finger and her thumb fell into her palm. “Which just leaves little ol’ you,” Amethyst pointed at Connie for emphasis, flashing a wide grin. “Come on, I know you know how to have a good time.” She held her hand out in invitation.  
  
Connie stared down at Amethyst’s outstretched palm. Her head told her she should probably refuse it and do what she could to get precious hours of sleep before she departed on a mission that would require her best. But she shook that one thought aside, grabbing Amethyst’s hand, hoping it could be a life preserver to lift her out of her misery.  
  
“Let’s do it,” Connie said confidently, putting on a mask of rebellious bravado. It was a better option than confronting her true face.  
  
Amethyst’s face mirrored her own smile. “I’d shout right now, but we better do this real quiet. Wouldn’t want any wet blankets catching wind of us.”  
  
Connie nodded. She quickly grabbed her sword and swung it around her back — despite her wishes for a night of fun, she didn’t want to be unprepared in case of a sudden attack, like the last time she partied with Amethyst. The gem rolled her eyes again, but allowed it without protest. The two then quietly snuck out the backside of the barn, moving on tippy-toes and keeping their eyes peeled for any sign of Garnet or Pearl. Fortunately, the two gems were nowhere to be seen as Connie and Amethyst circled over to the warp pad a short distance away from the barn.  
  
“Alright!” Amethyst shouted, feeling safe enough to yell as the warp powered up. “Let’s tear up the cit-ayy!”  
  
Connie grinned at Amethyst’s child-like exuberance, as the light eclipsed the barn from her vision.  
  
_Just this once,_ Connie told herself. _I think I need something like this._  
  
The light faded, and Steven’s house, plunged in darkness, appeared before her. Connie’s eye twitched at the familiar locale, filled with cherished memories of happier days with Steven. The memories sharply pierced her head-space and ruined her efforts _not_ to think about her mission to come. Mercifully, Amethyst grabbed her hand and pulled Connie into a run, making a mad dash out of the depressingly lifeless abode.  
  
“First rule of tonight,” Amethyst said fiercely after pulling Connie onto the beach, raising her fists to the sky. “No moping around! We got way too much to do to feel bad!”  
  
Connie was off-put by Amethyst seeing right through her, though she idly wondered if Amethyst felt as she did in Steven’s home. Nonetheless, she went along with the gem’s attitude without protest and tried to suppress any of the sad thoughts Steven’s empty home had stirred within her.  
  
“What are we waiting for?” Connie said, regaining her determination to lose herself to the night. She surprised Amethyst by breaking into a run of her own. Amethyst whooped repeatedly, chasing after Connie as the two embarked to the board walk of Beach City.  
  
Amethyst quickly pulled ahead and guided Connie to the first stop of the night: Funland Arcade. With her parents thinking video games rotted the mind (which did little to stop her from playing in private), and Mr. Smiley sending glares Steven’s way anytime the boy came close to the establishment, Connie had never actually set foot inside the building. In the cover of darkness, the flashing lights and beeping machines were overwhelming to her senses — exactly what she needed.  
  
“Come on Connie,” Amethyst said, except it was no longer Amethyst. Connie looked up to see a human she recognized to be Jenny from Fish Stew Pizza, albeit coloured purple. Confused but not caring to question it, Connie willingly let herself be guided through the maze of lights.  
  
“Alright,” Amethyst stopped suddenly and Connie barely avoided running into her. She gestured her arm widely to a pair of Whacker Man cabinets. Amethyst put in a couple of quarters into the machines — Connie thought better of asking how Amethyst had money — “You ready to smash some stuff?”  
  
Connie grinned back. “You bet.”  
  
The two grabbed their mallets as the machines activated and tiny men in trench-coats started popping up. Connie quickly fell into the rhythm, and with her polished reflexes, easily hit every target despite their increasing speed. She laughed at the absurdity of the game and the sheer catharsis of the new experience.  
  
A loud crash snapped Connie out of her focus and she rolled her eyes over to see Amethyst, now back to regular form, sheepishly holding her mallet over her Whacker Man machine, which was smashed in and smoking. Connie, damning the consequences of mischief for the evening, couldn’t help but laugh.  
  
“Guess I whacked it a little too hard,” Amethyst said, sticking her tongue and laughing along with Connie. A tall figure approached and they both turned to see Mr. Smiley looming over them, arms crossed and staring down furiously at both of them. Amethyst grabbed Connie’s hand in preparation.

“How many times do I have to tell you to keep your thieving, shape-shifting butt out of my arcade?!” Mr. Smiley shouted, before Amethyst pulled Connie into another run. The proprietor shook his fist angrily at the fleeing duo.  
  
“Whatever man!” Amethyst yelled as she and Connie fled the building, laughing all the while.  
  
The two didn’t stop running until they were down the boardwalk and well out of sight, behind the Big Donut. Connie struggled to catch her breath between fits of laughter. She wouldn’t normally condone Amethyst’s reckless behavior, but for tonight, she didn’t really care about a little bit of trouble. She relished in the distraction.  
  
“Did you see the look on his face?!” Amethyst blurted out, before shape-shifting to imitate Mr. Smiley’s aggravated glare perfectly. Just the look sent Connie into another bought with the giggles, and Amethyst shifted back to join her.  
  
“I haven’t had this much fun in ages,” Connie said, wiping a joyous tear out of her eye. “What are we going to do next?”  
  
Amethyst rubbed her hands together gleefully. “A better question would be, what _aren’t_ we gonna do?” Connie snorted at the cliche.  
  
The next couple of hours were a whirlwind of laughter, slobbery, and a lot of befuddled glances from the residents of Beach City. Connie and Amethyst lost themselves to a mutual desire for all-consuming fun, running along the beach (kicking up sand along the way), pigging out on the boardwalk (including a fries-on-pizza combination that horrified Kofi), and wandering into a late night rave organized by Sour Cream (which Connie was happy to watch from the sidelines as Amethyst tore a path through the dance floor).

Through it all, Connie had the time of her life. This was not her usual idea of an enjoyable evening, but it was hard not to get caught up in the experience with Amethyst, whose wild exuberance was infectious. The purple gem was in many ways the polar opposite to Connie — bombastic instead of reserved, chaotic instead of controlled, improvising instead of calculating — but that didn’t make the gem any less fun to hang around with.  
  
These were nights that Connie never got the chance to have before she met Steven, alone and friendless as she was. The nights with friends that left searing imprints on your mind, as you lost yourself to fun and company, with no other cares in the world. These were the nights kids were meant to have.  
  
Connie’s face fell slightly as she watched a crowd form around Amethyst in the middle of the dance floor. Even with friends like Steven and Amethyst, nights of fun were becoming fewer and farther between. Her life at home often strangled her time, with hours consumed by school work, violin or tennis practice, and then more school work. Meanwhile, a lot of the time she spent with the gems went to sword training, which she also practiced at home. Even without all of that, so much of the conversations between Steven and her tended to revolve around managing their increasingly distressing adventures. More recently, Connie had become a rock for Steven to lean on as he talked about his trauma — when she could coax him to open up to her about it, anyway.  
  
The people at the rave were all lost in the moment. Their worst fears were about school, impressing their social circles, and avoiding being caught in mischief by their parents. The future was a lifetime away for them, hardly something to worry about. Connie’s fears were whether she could bring Steven back from the farthest reaches of space and survive whatever life-threatening danger inevitably followed. Her future might not exist.  
  
Her breath became short as the walls suddenly edged toward her from left to right, towering over her. It dawned on her how _alone_ she really was. Try as she might to lose herself to the music as the party-goers did, she knew she would have to eventually return to the world of magic and terror. Easy as it was to forget when she was with Steven, Connie now realized she was surrendering her childhood by trying to walk alongside the gems.  
  
_It’s worth it,_ Connie tried to tell herself, but there remained a bitter taste in her mouth. The loud, pulsing music suddenly become an irritant, and the room constrained her lungs far too much. Connie covered her ears and ran out as fast as she could, running back down to the beach and absorbing the fresh ocean air.  
  
Connie breathed in deep, focus on maintaining a steady breath as she chased away a sense of anxiety-fueled claustrophobia. She could feel the haphazard barricades in her mind she put up to avoid thinking about her mission start to crumble, further complicated by a new feeling of regret that bubbled to the surface of her thoughts.  
  
_Don’t think, don’t think, don’t think,_ Connie tried to coach her own train of thought into swerving. _We’re just here to have fun._  
  
A hand waving in front of Connie’s face proved a needed distraction, as Amethyst appeared before her. The gem casually put her arms behind her head, a small smile on her face.  
  
“Felt like blowing the place? Yeah, that’s cool. It was getting a little boring,” Amethyst said casually. Her expression shifted into one of concern. “You okay?”  
  
Connie gulped and nodded, trying to force a false smile on her face again. Amethyst didn’t look convinced by it. “Yeah, I’m good. What’s next?”  
  
Amethyst put on her trademark troublemaker’s grin, appearing to ignore Connie’s distress, before cracking her knuckles. “Just one more stop — and it’s the best one of all. You’re gonna love it.” The gem started a slow walk towards the Crystal Temple. Connie followed meekly behind, tripping over her feet a couple of times but desperately wanting to move on to the next destination.  
  
“We’re gonna have to warp for this one,” Amethyst explained as she slammed the house's door open. “But the place we’re going is great — like a second home for me.”  
  
Connie tried to keep her eyes forward, away from the nostalgia of days spent with Steven here, before stepping atop the warp pad with Amethyst. She closed her eyes and waited as the familiar, tingling rush enveloped her.  
  
She opened her eyes to a hellish landscape, unlike anything she expected to see until her mission tomorrow.  
  
A dark, gloomy chasm had emerged in front of her, dense with fog and dotted with bizarre, alien machines. There was no mistaking it from Steven’s stories; Amethyst had taken her to the Kindergarten.  
  
“What? Why are we here?” Connie blurted out. This was about the farthest place from her idea of fun that she could think of.  
  
Amethyst, who had trudged forward, turned and flashed Connie a wide grin that was frightening against their ominous surroundings. “I figured we’d pay my old home a visit one last time,” she said with a faux-innocence, before turning back around and walking into the fog.  
  
Connie was unnerved by the looming canyon, representing some of the worst things Homeworld was capable of. But with nowhere else to go until Amethyst returned, she followed nervously behind, putting her trust in her evening’s guide.  
  
Connie quickly lost sight of the gem in the thick fog, which was hard to see through under the cover of darkness. A loud whip crack and a massive crash broke the silent night. She stopped in place as a large rush of wind blew through her.  
  
She ran towards the sound to find Amethyst standing atop one of Homeworld’s machines — an injector, she recalled from Steven’s story. She couldn't see Amethyst’s eyes as the gem raised her whip and smashed through the fallen debris, splitting it in half down the middle.  
  
“Man, that feels GOOD!” Amethyst shouted with glee as she raised her arms up, her beaming face contrasting her violent action. She cracked her whip to slice off another chunk of the device. “Connie, you gotta try this!”  
  
“What are you doing?!” Connie watched as Amethyst jumped around, striking the injector without any rhyme or reason.

“ _Homeworld_ ,” Amethyst punctuated the word with another mighty crack of her whip against metal. “Took Steven from us. I figured I’d just take a few things from them and do some cleaning up around here. Seems fair to me.”  
  
Connie watched in awe as Amethyst rolled over to the other side of the canyon, leapt up and sent her whip flying at another injector embedded on a rock wall. The machine fell with another crash and Amethyst went to work tearing it apart.  
  
“Homeworld. Ruins. Everything!” With every word, Amethyst let loose with another strike. “They think they can just come here and do whatever they want!” She broke off each of the incubator’s legs with a series of quick strikes, her attacks becoming increasingly wild. Her previously blasé attitude was betrayed by the viciousness of her attacks against the relic of Homeworld’s invasion. “Just when things were finally…” Rather than finish the thought, Amethyst roared her lungs out as she punched out her frustration, pushing the broken husk of Homeworld forward with every blow.

Connie was dumbstruck. Apparently, Amethyst had been keeping her own anguish well hidden before. She glanced into the distance and saw several other machines smashed on the floor of the Kindergarten, as well as few spots along the cliff face that were smashed-in. She supposed this wasn’t Amethyst’s first trip here since Steven was captured.  
  
The gem panted after finishing with her second beatdown of the night, grinning menacingly at her work well done. She looked over to Connie, who still stood statuesque at the violent display. “Well, what are you waiting for?” Amethyst asked. “I know you have some stuff you wanna work out.”  
  
The idea Amethyst proposed was completely alien to Connie. Games and parties were one thing, but wanton, deliberate destruction?

Connie was not quick to anger. She was certainly mad at Homeworld and frustrated by her circumstances, but this seemed to her a very bizarre way to deal with her problems. Her fighting style also felt incompatible with the raw power Amethyst was able to exert.  
  
“They took him from you,” Amethyst stepped slowly towards Connie, seeing Connie’s hesitation. “From all of us. Doesn’t that just make want to...smash something?” Connie glanced into Amethyst’s eyes, which desperately implored Connie to agree. The gem didn’t want to be alone in her anguish, or the way she dealt with it. She understood that Amethyst sought validation in camaraderie.  
  
“I…” Connie wasn’t sure how she could answer. She was unbelievably frustrated with what happening, but this was so beyond the scope of her coping mechanisms. She wanted Steven back more than she wanted to hurt anybody for his capture.  
  
“Just try it,” Amethyst folded her hands together to beseech Connie, seeing her words fail to take foothold. “Try it, and then I promise I’ll take you back if you really want.  
  
Connie couldn’t say no to the miserable eyes that bored into her — not after Amethyst had done so much to try to make her feel better. She caved into the pressure and nodded, unsheathing the sword from her back and approaching one of the fallen incubators that was still mostly intact.  
  
The human sighed and started her regular combat breathing patterns. Pearl had taught her only to fight when necessary — better to find tactical alternatives when possible — but she supposed this would have to be an exception. As Amethyst had told her once, sometimes you had to just go with the flow. This is where her choice to spend the evening with Amethyst had taken her.  
  
Trying to get into the spirit of Amethyst’s idea, Connie put focus onto her frustrations. She thought about Steven’s capture, and how unjust it was that the innocent boy had been taken from them. She thought about the righteous anger she felt when she first heard about it, and her willingness to fight any gem to get him back safely. She remembered seeing all those smiling faces tonight, and how unfair it was that they could be so cluelessly happy while she fearfully cherished what could be her last hours on Earth.  
  
Connie shouted and slashed at the fallen injector with all her strength, cutting a deep hole in the ancient machinery. The blade pierced the hull easily, making a shrill screech as she sliced downward, giving her goosebumps. Not missing a beat, Connie continued, pulling her sword out and proceeding to slice the machine with a fury that left its top half fractured into several large pieces.  
  
Connie took several deep breaths after her energized attack. To her surprise, slicing apart the machine actually felt.... _good_. Really good. It was a little like combat practice — the pounding adrenaline and her burning muscles giving her a small high. But having no real opponent and being able to lash out with her feelings, so unlike everything she was taught growing up, was surprisingly cathartic.  
  
“That. Was. Awesome!” Amethyst appeared in front of her, shaking in elation. “So, whaddya think Connie?”  
  
The warrior closed her eyes and took one more breath, before presenting a thumbs up, grinning, and rushing off to find another machine. Amethyst let out a “whoop whoop”, following behind to join in the destructive fun.

Connie eagerly dipped her sword into another hunk of metal, slicing all the way through to the bottom. She laughed as she struck the broken machination over and over, losing herself in the moment.  
  
“Let it all out, girl,” Amethyst said smugly, sitting atop another injector several feet away. The gem was content to watch Connie’s efforts for the moment.  
  
“It was going so GREAT!” Connie shouted as she stabbed into the glass from the top half of the alien device. Her ears rung pleasantly at the sound of broken glass as she pushed the blade all the way through. “I was finally feeling like I belonged! Steven was miserable, but we were working through it. I had him and he had me!” She pushed the blade in a clockwise motion, holding it tightly as she sliced along the edge of the machine, before jumping off and searching for something else to wreck. The rush of the quick descent was exhilarating.  
  
Amethyst followed behind, casually slinging her whip behind her to absolutely ruin another injector with a massive dent.  
  
“But then those dastardly, evil, _stupid_ Homeworld gems just had to capture him!” Connie carelessly threw Rose’s sword forward — a last ditch technique Pearl had taught her — and watched as it embedded itself deep into the hull of another Homeworld machination. Growling, she trudged forward, preparing to rip it a new one.  
  
“And now I’m going to go into _space_ to rescue him because how could I not? I’ve never even left the country and now I’m leaving the _planet!_ ” Connie ripped Rose’s sword out of the metal and starting to stab into it, slowly, over and over.  
  
“Well, if it makes you feel any better, we’re on the other side of Earth now,” Amethyst jested.

Connie responded by pulling out the sword and smashing it down straight through the incubator.

“Guess that didn’t make you feel better.”  
  
“How is this my life now?” Connie ignored Amethyst, catching her breath as she leaned on the blade, now embedded in the ground. “I wanted to be part of his universe so badly. I...I still do. But this…” She shook as she angrily tried to keep her eyes from spilling over. She was sick of crying. She was sick of feeling like garbage.  
  
“Look, Connie, you can’t-” Amethyst began to say as she approached. Connie knew if she stopped to talk now, it would probably lead to another lengthy, heart-wrenching session of comforting that ultimately would not repair her torn heart. She didn’t want to have any of it anymore.  
  
“We should be reading a book together!” Connie lifted Rose’s sword and ran to start slashing with deep, hard strikes at the well-worn Homeworld device in front of her. “Or playing games, or goofing off on the beach. We should be worrying about school — not worrying about whether we can STAY ALIVE!” She brutishly carved her way through the centre of the machination, seeking to tear it apart.  
  
“We’ll get him back!” Amethyst yelled, trying to be some sort of comfort as Connie lost herself in her rant. “You know that! I’m not going to let that stuff get stopped by — “  
  
“I just want to be with him!” Connie turned her head backwards and glared at Amethyst. Whatever her face looked like, it stopped Amethyst’s speech in its tracks.  
  
“But this…” Connie looked down at Rose’s sword, gripping tightly. “This is TOO MUCH!”  
  
She swung the sword and cut through nothing but air.  
  
“I’M TWELVE YEARS OLD AND I’M PROBABLY GOING TO DIE IN A WAR!”  
  
She stabbed deep into the middle of the incubator and started to twist the blade. The metal groaned in response.  
  
“How is this my life now?” Connie trembled, closing her eyes. She chose this path. She chose this because there was no other way she could realistically stay by Steven’s side.  
  
It shook her to her core.  
  
“Connie…” Amethyst said slowly, trying to take the opening Connie was leaving with her silence. “Look, I know how you feel. All this stuff with Homeworld….I don’t really want to deal with it either. I’d rather just -”  
  
“I wish he wasn’t a gem.”  
  
Her statement was met with uncomfortable silence. Connie stared down at the intricacies of Rose’s sword. She couldn’t bear to look up right now.  
  
“...What? Did I just hear that right?”  
  
“You did.” Connie couldn’t hide from her heart and didn’t care to hide it from anyone else. “I wish that Steven Universe wasn’t a gem.”  
  
Hearing nothing from the most loudmouth person she ever met, Connie picked up the blade. The machine in front of her was absolutely ruined half way through, but Connie wanted to finish the job properly.  
  
“He would be so much better off,” She started to methodically cut off chunks of metal as she made her way through the massive harvester. “If he didn’t have to deal with all _this_ ,” she struck off another piece for emphasis. “If he didn’t have to deal with all the expectations, and fear, and guilt, and misery that you all put him through.”  
  
“What are you saying?!” Amethyst shouted, starting to comprehend what Connie was saying. But Connie did not relent in her attack.“Steven gets to do all kinds of cool stuff with us! He belongs with us! We don’t...we don’t do that!”  
  
“He’d be better off,” Connie repeated coldly, her blazing anger freezing over. “He wouldn’t be captured right now. He wouldn’t have to deal with monsters, or saving the world, or gems trying to kill him. _I_ wouldn’t have to deal with all that.”  
  
“Step off!” Amethyst yelled back. Connie didn’t react to the quick footfalls as Amethyst ran in front of her, starring Connie straight in the eyes. There was a fury to the gem that Connie had not seen outside of battle, but also a painful vulnerability. She could see herself in that face.  
  
“I thought you were cool,” Amethyst hissed out venomously, approaching Connie with balled fists and stomping footsteps, like she had the incubators. Connie didn’t back down and didn’t change her expression. “But this is...you’re way off! Steven...Steven _wants_ to be a gem! He wants to do all that stuff! We...we raised him! We’ve been through everything together! Ever since he was a little kid, he’s wanted this. What would you know about that?! What would you know about us?!”  
  
“Steven tells me about everything he does!” Connie exclaimed. She was in no mood to budge. “I know the damage and hurt being a gem has caused him! What it’s caused me, trying to help him. I’ve _fused_ with him, I’ve been there to see how traumatized he’s become dealing with all of...this!” She gestured her arms wide to the nightmarish landscape around them.  
  
“I’ve fused with him too!” Amethyst shouted back, jabbing a finger into Connie’s chest. “You think I don’t know how he feels?! He feels like-”  
  
“Like he can never live up to his mom!” Connie shouted back, brushing the intruding finger aside. Amethyst’s rage-filled expression cracked as the harsh words found their mark. “Like he can never live up to the Rose of your memories. Just like you feel like you can never live up to being a Crystal Gem. He talks to me, Amethyst. I know.”  
  
“You don’t _know_ anything!” Amethyst grabbed her own hair in frustration. Tears flowed freely down the gem’s face. “You...you have to be...you _are_ wrong! We need him! We...we wouldn’t know what to do!” Amethyst was shaking, but she still managed to glare hatefully at the human before her.

Despite her rage, it pained Connie to see how much this was hurting Amethyst. She took a grounding breath and tried to balance her point out.  
  
“And he couldn’t live without you,” Connie said, walking past the gem slowly and continuing to idly slice off hunks of the devilish machine. It was a task she could set her mind to, something she needed or she was probably going to collapse. “But I wish he could. That we wouldn’t be two kids — two _humans_ — risking our lives, dealing with things beyond us. That’s all I’m saying.”  
  
“I thought this is what you wanted?” Amethyst said from behind her, voice weak and wracked with sadness. The rest of the injector started to split apart as Connie finished cutting through it, leaving nothing in front of her eyes but the unyielding face of the cliff.  
  
“I...I thought so too. More than anything. But now...now I just want Steven back. I’ll do whatever that takes. But the rest of it?” Connie swung her head around and looked at the miserable, broken gem behind her. She looked at the rest of the gloomy chasm, an eternal mark of the malice Homeworld had for the Earth. “I don’t want it anymore.”  
  
“Then you can _leave it_ . Why don’t you just leave us? What’s stopping you?” Amethyst voice was so _bitter_ and it hurt. The gem’s gaze was one of utter disgust. Connie stared down Amethyst and her own fierce, teary face made the gem flinch.  
  
“Take me back, Amethyst. We’re done here.” Connie saw no use in arguing any further. She knew she would take no more solace from destroying the remnants of Homeworld, either.  
  
“Yes, we are.” Amethyst crossed her arms. She had no words left.

Connie trudged towards the warp, turning her back on the Crystal Gem.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, that was fun to write.
> 
> The penultimate chapter, Loneliness, should be posted on schedule on March 18. Edit: Pushing this date to March 19, off-chance it's 20, but will be up soon.
> 
> We're in the final stretch of this tale now. Leave a comment and let me know what you think.


	6. Loneliness

Connie Maheswaran was a sad, lonely, young girl. Her hobbies included reading books, watching medical dramas, whatever her parents signed her up for, and being a terrible human being. She had no friends on Earth and nobody but her parents would probably notice if she dropped dead.  
  
She had returned to her natural state of being.

Connie had made a good go of acting the part of the heroines from her books. Courageous, strong, sure-footed and surrounded by allies — she had been all of that. But when push came to shove, that was all beyond her. She had no courage for a battle. She was too weak to survive. And she was painfully alone.  
  
She brought it on herself. She had nothing to blame but her own weak will.  
  
The rolling, grassy hills were peaceful under the starlit cover of darkness. The burn of walking the uneven ground exhausted her limbs, but Connie relished in the feeling. However, the tranquil terrain did little to ease her mind.  
  
Connie wondered if she should even bother going into space to try to rescue Steven. Fear had sunk its claws and ripped into her heart, and her undying determination to save him was wavering. Part of her still wanted go on the mission, but the thought of travelling to a Homeworld space station now filled her with an overwhelming sense of dread.  
  
Besides that, the Crystal Gems undoubtedly hated her now. As soon as Amethyst and her had returned to the barn, she had run off as fast as she could in search of relieving isolation, with no comment to the gem other than to find her before the mission began. She did not want to bear facing any of the Crystal Gems now. Amethyst had probably told the others, and she could only imagine their shared horror and hatred for what she said.  
  
She wanted to avoid more confrontation for as long as she could, so she ran as far as her legs could carry her away from the barn, uncaring about her direction.. The empty hills between the barn and Beach City would do as well as any place for her desire for isolation.  
  
There was a tranquility to the quiet hills, beneath a gorgeous night sky dotted with stars. It was so much more peaceful than she felt. She gazed up as she walked, reminding herself of her conversation with Garnet the previous evening. How could one day do so much to uproot the measure of peace she had found then?  
  
Connie shivered as a gust of wind blew by her and the cold evening air bit into her skin. She put the hood of her jacket up and pulled it, trying to find more warmth. Legs starting to burn and out of breath, she decided she had gone far enough and collapsed onto the hard ground beneath her. The world turned on its axis as she fell onto her side, and soft blades of grass filled her vision. She wished something so mundane could be enough to occupy her brain.  
  
“ _I wish he wasn’t a gem_.”  
  
“ _He would be so much better off_.”  
  
“ _I don’t want it anymore_.”  
  
Her mind replayed her tirade over and over. She constantly winced as she recalled her lack of tact and how wild she had let herself be. But ultimately, she had meant every word and stood by them. She still wished Steven and her could have just met at school or somewhere else normal. She wished they could have grown up together, leading normal, boring lives, without any of the impossible magic of the gems. She knew that Steven would have somehow still made a regular life extraordinary. And they wouldn’t have to worry everyday about whether they would live to see the rest of their lives together.  
  
She figured she may have been out of line insulting how the gems were raising Steven. She knew becoming his pseudo-parents was something none of them asked for, and they were doing the best they could under the circumstances.

Despite that, she felt bitter knowing the amount of hardship he endured trying to navigate through his family’s problems and somehow act as their emotional core. Too often, the burden fell on him to be the emotionally-stable rock of their family, and she didn’t think that was fair.

Meanwhile, her place among the gems was tenuous at best. Strong as she might now be among humans, she doubted she could really stand up to Homeworld gem warriors, surely much smarter and more powerful than the corrupted monsters of Earth. Pearl had given her a rude awakening to that fact. The Crystal Gems, so often detached from humans, only cared for her insofar as she related to Steven or could actually be useful to their cause. She was almost certain they would want nothing to do with her after what she said.  
  
She sighed and rolled onto her back, looking up at the bright stars above, so far away from where she could reach.

Perhaps Greg had been right; humans should keep a healthy distance from the affairs of gems. Maybe she could try to be more like him. Despite his son’s intimate involvement with a world of aliens, and likely misgivings about what Steven got up to, he kept himself apart and detached from most of it. Yet he was still able to be a good father for Steven, a crucial figure in the young boy’s life. Greg was still always there when Steven needed him.

Connie thought about what it might be like if she tried an arrangement like that. She could make a pass at a normal, human life with Steven, half the time. Reading books, watching movies, goofing off. Growing up, going to dances (as _two_ people), sharing countless firsts together. She would eventually go to university to get a good job, and he’d...probably find some odd job in Beach City, while he kept up his life as a gem. He’d inevitably get pulled away on missions all the time, but she could always be there for him when he got back. She wouldn’t be there fighting alongside him, protecting him, but then he wouldn’t have to worry about her and she wouldn’t get in his way. She could stay back home, a delicate wallflower, undoubtedly worried that something might happen to him but powerless to do anything about it.

The idea of that future... _revolted_ her.

 _“_ But at least it’s a future where I’m still alive,” Connie said aloud to herself as she rolled over and planted her face away from the stars and planets she could never reach. She looked down at the dirty ground, the Earth, where she belonged. Maybe she just had to be content with the fact that she never would be a space-faring, courageous heroine like the ones in her books. She would just have to be the normal, boring, plain-old Connie Maheswaran.

A loud splash interrupted the peaceful night, but Connie paid it no heed at first, not caring about what it could be. But a continued series of similar splashing noises eventually inspired the girl to get up to see what it was. She moved over the hill where the noise was coming from, moving carefully in case it was a monster.

Connie peeked her head over the tall mound to see Lapis Lazuli casually disobeying the laws of physics by moving the water in a small pond with her mind. The blue gem sat on the edge of pond, her feet dipping into the water, as she continued to lift large bubbles upward before sending it crashing back down. Her back was turned and Connie couldn’t see her face from where she was crouched.  
  
She watched the mystifying sight idly for a short while, wondering if she should approach. Lapis was not a gem she knew well, only learning of her change second-handedly through Steven and never actually meeting her since the time the gem stole the ocean. Whatever reason for the strange behaviour, it wasn’t any of her business.

 _I have my own problems to deal with,_ she thought to herself. She frowned at that, and let curiosity win out as as she approached the water-controlling gem. She realized she had little desire or ability to sort through her own problems right now.  
  
With trepidation, Connie approached Lapis with soft footsteps, not wanting to startle someone who could drown her without a second thought. The gem made no indications she heard anything as she continued to raise massive bubbles into the sky.  
  
“Lapis?” Connie said once she was in earshot, trying to keep her voice gentle enough to not be startling.  
  
The bubble Lapis was holding fell rapidly as she turned quickly, creating an uncontrolled wave over the shoreline, soaking Lapis from head to toe. The gem sent Connie a glower, before she turned around with her arms crossed. Connie turned her eyes downward in shame.

 _So much for that,_ Connie thought, but it was too late to turn back now. She found a small surge of determination within herself and walked toward Lapis, one foot in front of the other, and set herself next to her in a cross-legged position.

“Who are _you_?” Lapis turned to glare at Connie, blurting her question through closed teeth. “What are you doing out there?”  
  
“You don’t remember me?” Connie was baffled at the thought the ocean-thief didn’t recall her, with how vivid their previous encounter was in her own mind.  
  
Lapis squinted at her, as if looking in a faded photograph. “You look...familiar. But I can’t recall meeting you.”

“You tried to drown me when you stole the ocean. I was there with the rest of the gems.” Connie’s face was a hard frown. Was she really that unremarkable?  
  
“Oh. Right. Steven mentioned you before,” Lapis said. The rage dissipated on her face, replaced with annoyance. “Can you just...go away? I like this spot.”  
  
The blank rejection stung, but Connie was feeling more than a little peeved by the gem’s ignorance. She kept her legs still.  
  
“I don’t really feel like moving. This spot seems nice,” Connie said, stretching her legs out along the pond’s shoreline. “To answer your other question, I...just wanted to get away from the others for a while. Why are _you_ here?”  
  
“Same reason,” Lapis sighed out, before standing up and conjuring her watery wings. The gem clearly wanted nothing to do with her, and Connie was tempted to just let her leave without comment. It was no less than she felt she deserved.  
  
But Lapis’s answer bugged Connie, and her inquisitive mind ran with it. “Why would you want to get away from them? Aren’t the Crystal Gems your friends now?”  
  
“The Crystal Gems are  _not_ my friends,” Lapis swung her head downward, sending a furious glare down at Connie.

Out of the corner of her eye, Connie noticed a small surge in the water spring up with Lapis’s movement. She figured she probably needed to be careful or she might end up underneath the pond.

“What about Steven?” Connie asked slowly, after considering for a moment. Lapis’s behaviour was baffling and she now wanted to solve the puzzle before her.  
  
The gem’s wings fell to the ground with a splash as her anger dissolved as quickly as it came. Her eyes lit up slightly, but her face became downcast at the name of the boy.  
  
“Steven’s different,” Lapis said, turning her head slightly up towards the stars. “He’s not like the rest.”  
  
“I guess that’s true,” Connie replied. Steven was undoubtedly exceptional. Perhaps like her, he was the only thing that tied Lapis to the Crystal Gems. But still…  
  
“Why don’t you like the rest of them?” It wasn’t a behaviour that seemed logical to Connie. The Crysal Gems were flawed, but she knew them to be good people, most of the time. She doubted Lapis the same hangups with them that she did. Lapis wasn’t divided from them by being human. She probably didn’t how they’ve raised Steven. And they probably didn’t realize she was stuck in a mirror, as far as Connie knew.  
  
“It’s...not really…” Lapis seemed to struggle to voice her feelings. Connie could relate. “I don’t really _dislike_ them, anymore. But after everything that happened, I’m never going to be one of them.”  
  
“I don’t think I can be one of them either,” Connie sighed sadly, looking back over the water. The moonlight reflected on the depths beautifully, a spot of light in the darkness.  
  
She glanced back at Lapis, and considered how they seemed to share some interesting things in common. Lapis was stuck on Earth, but had little stake in the cause of the Crystal Gems. Like Connie, she felt too different to be part of them.

“Well, don’t let me keep you I guess. I’m not going anywhere anytime soon,” Connie said, curiosity sated, before turning her gaze back to the water.  
  
But Lapis didn’t go. The gem instead sat back down next to Connie, starting intensely at her.  
  
“Why wouldn’t you be one of them?” Lapis asked. “You’ve fought alongside them. You seem pretty attached, from what Steven’s told me.”  
  
The question caught Connie off-guard. She thought her division from the Crystal Gems would be pretty self-evident, but perhaps Lapis, having not seen much of Earth, didn’t fully appreciate how different humans were.  
  
“I’m human,” Connie said simply, look down at her calloused hands and clenching them into fists. “I’m never going to be able to keep up with them.”  
  
“That didn’t stop you before,” Lapis replied. Connie turned her eyes back to the gem, whose expression was unreadable. “You rushed in and fought with them.”  
  
“Yeah, well, I realized I was kidding myself. I’m never going to have a place with the Crystal Gems,” Connie said grimly. She didn’t feel up to talking it out, especially not with someone as alien to her as Lapis.  
  
Lapis didn’t respond immediately, as she curled up into a ball and looked over her knees to the shimmering water.  
  
“I think I know how that feels. I thought I could just go back to how my life used to be on Homeworld, once. I was deluding myself then too.”  
  
Connie was familiar with Lapis’s sad story. She hadn’t spared it much consideration over time, amidst all of the other, more pressing issues of the Crystal Gems, but now she wished she had.  
  
“I’m sorry that happened to you.” Connie knew the condolence was useless, but still felt compelled to offer it.  
  
“Me too,” Lapis said simply, before burying her face into her dress. “Now I’m stuck here, Steven’s gone, and I’ll be trapped on Earth alone. Forever.”  
  
A thought brushed through Connie’s mind and she unwittingly latched onto it, letting out an awkward, miserable little laugh. Lapis lifted her gaze to look at the strange human before her.  
  
“At least we can be alone together, however far that gets us” Connie blurted out, shaking her head.  
  
“I haven’t met a lot of humans,” Lapis said slowly, rolling her eyes over to the water. “But you’re nothing like Steven.”  
  
“Nobody is,” Connie stated simply, gaze also turning to the tide. They let the silence wash over them.  
  
Connie was surprised at the degree of camaraderie she found with Lapis. Like her, the gem was on the outskirts of belonging, not certain of her place in the world.  It did little to alleviate her anxious soul, but it was nice to talk to someone who could share in her loneliness, which the Crystal Gems, tight-knit as they were, could not.  
  
“One thing I don’t get,” Lapis said suddenly, breaking the spell that the moonlit pond had placed upon them. “You don’t feel part of the Crystal Gems because you’re human. But they’re not like other gems. They love humans more than anything.”  
  
Connie felt her heart skip a beat at the statement and her mind flashed through dozens of memories. Amethyst, partying among the youth of Beach City and eagerly taking part in human games and cuisine. Pearl, so aloof from human ways, nonetheless taking her under her tutorship, teaching Connie about all the fascinating human explorers and fighters she had met over her millennia of existence. Garnet, encouraging her — and Stevonnie, before then — to relish in the human experience. These were moments that defined who she was now — or so she had thought.  
  
Moments, she realized, that defined who _they_ were. The things they did with humans when they weren’t protecting them.  
  
They were estranged from humanity, but they nonetheless cared for its existence. Enough to give up everything to protect it. But…  
  
“They can never be part of us,” Connie stated, forlorn at the thought. “They’re nothing like us. They’re always going to be at the outskirts.”  
  
“Homeworld said the same thing,” Lapis responded and Connie’s face twisted into shock that her thinking could be compared to Homeworld’s.

“Back during the war. They said the Crystal Gems were foolish to care for humans, who were so simple and weak. The Crystal Gems didn’t care. I still don’t really get what they see in you people, but Steven…” Lapis’s face helplessly twisted to a warm smile. “Well, he makes me curious.”  
  
Connie’s mind went a mile a minute as she considered the information. The gems always seemed so above and aloof from humans like her, despite giving their all to protect them. Yet they flew in the face of their oppressive masters, who told them humans weren’t worthy of much consideration. They thought humans worth it.  
  
She shook her head. None of that changed how they felt about her, a lone, insignificant individual, one in a countless number of humans under their protection. None of that changed how impossible it was for her to compare to them.  
  
“It doesn’t matter. They’ll never be like us. And I’ll never be one of them” Connie mumbled, as she clawed lightly into her skin and felt her eyes water.  
  
Lapis head tilted, looking at Connie bewilderedly.  
  
“Why did _you_ fight with them then? Why would they let you?”  
  
How could she answer _that_ question?

Connie’s mind flashed back; she is fighting desperately, opposite a holo-pearl, as she honed her skills under Pearl’s watchful gaze. She finds herself collapsing afterward, after which Pearl and Steven gently helped her up with two outstretched hands.  
  
She is fighting alongside Amethyst against Jasper and a monster, trusted to take on a creature 30 times her size. She was Stevonnie, knocking Jasper’s head into the sandy beach and rescuing Amethyst from certain death.  
  
She meditates with Garnet, confronting her crushing anxiety. She messed up, her honed warrior senses making her even more of a pariah at school. But Garnet understood, helped her through it. Helped her see a way to find balance within herself. Helped her fight as Stevonnie again.  
  
She hides in Steven’s bubble, facing down a horrifying gem mutant, sword in hand. She waited, ready to show her mother she was a warrior now — that she belonged in this world of magic and monsters. She nodded at Steven, who boundlessly trusted her to save them given the opportunity. They were partners and they would always be there for each other.  
  
The memories that bubbled to the surface of her thoughts — buried under the stress of losing Steven and preparing for a deadly trip into space — were overwhelming.

She had done _so much_ . It was daunting. It was hard. It was painful. But in less than a year, she had grown from a shy bookworm into a young woman who could fight gigantic monsters and win. And the Crystal Gems had helped her, guided her, _trusted_ her every step of the way.  
  
Could she really turn back on all of that? On the fight she had thrown her all into being apart of? On the battle that the gems now counted on her being apart of?  
  
Try as she might, she realized she couldn’t go back to her old life now. As her mind reminisced on all the times she spent battling with the gems, sharing in their struggles, helping them hold up their hopes and dreams — she realized she didn’t _want_ her old life back.  
  
Despite her relative insignificance, The Crystal Gems wanted her in their life. And she wanted them more.  
  
Mirth spread from deep in Connie’s belly, filling her entire being. She grabbed her sides and fell over, rolling into the grass, laughing heartily. She looked up at Lapis’s face, who looked at Connie like she had grown a second head, and she laughed even harder.  
  
“I’m being…” Connie struggled to reign in her spirits to blurt it out. “So _stupid_.”  
  
“I’d say so,” Lapis said, nodding her head along, baffled by her company’s sudden change in mood.  
  
Connie shook her head, getting up and wiping a tear track from her face, her laughter finally subsiding.  
  
“I’m a Crystal Gem,” Connie couldn’t recall ever grinning wider. “Everything I’ve done has led up to that. Everything I’ve given up…”

She recalled who she used to be. The lonely little girl who had no friends. The sad little girl who cried herself to sleep regularly. The meek little girl who went along with the tide of her parent’s will, or whatever else the world threw at her.  
  
That wasn’t who Connie Maheshwaran was anymore.  
  
The faces of Garnet, Amethyst and Pearl flashed through her mind. She saw herself alongside them, as the trusted warrior she had become. Then her memories turned to time spent with Steven, and it set her mind and heart ablaze.

 _"It was worth it_.”  
  
“Cool,” Lapis said blankly, having no idea what the human was talking about, and turning her gaze back into the dark water. She idly moved her hands, watching the waves bend to her movements.  
  
Connie’s spirits weren’t even dented by Lapis’s complete apathy to her life-changing epiphany. She was flying high, and she wanted to help lift the gem who had unwittingly inspired her.  
  
“I get it Lapis. I know it’s hard to think of yourself as a Crystal Gem. But I don’t think they want it to stay that way. And you might find more common ground if you open up to them,” Connie said, eagerly confronting Lapis’s issues directly. She felt like she could take on anything.  
  
“Not interested.” Lapis’s mouth formed a hard line and Connie subconsciously leaned backward at the tone from the gem. The waves of the pond getting fiercer also had her concerned.  
  
“Look,” Connie frowned as she prepared to give her attempt to comfort one last shot. “I know it’s hard to open up, but…”  
  
“Lapis?”  
  
An unmistakable nasally voice interrupted them, and the pair turned backwards to see Peridot had snuck up on them.  
  
“Peridot?” Lapis asked back, evidently confused as Connie by the gem’s sudden appearance.  
  
“Garnet requested that I find you two. It’s a bit beneath me, but she seemed to think my talents would be best suited for the mission,” Peridot explained with gusto, arms flowing with her speech and grinning confidently. Lapis and Connie both rolled their eyes at the haughty tone. “It was a simple matter to track Connie, based on my sense of ingenuity. And by a good stroke of luck, I found you here as well, Lapis.”  
  
“Garnet told you where we would be, didn’t she?” Lapis said dryly. Connie blurted out giggle.  
  
“That’s besides the point!” Peridot said in an agitated burst, with the care to blush. She took a breath and composed herself, crossing her arms in front of her. “Regardless, my improvements to the ship are complete. We depart in two hours and I have instructions to bring you two back with me.”

“I’m not going.” Lapis turned her back on her roommate and stared back into the water in front of her.  
  
When she saw Peridot was too stunned to respond, Connie chose to step in and see if she could mediate.  
  
“Why not Lapis? Don’t you want to rescue Steven? We could really use your help,” Connie said, mind recalling the last time she had seen Lapis fight. Lapis was able to battle the Crystal Gems to a standstill; her power would be immensely useful.  
  
“I’m only strong here, on Earth. But out there, without water, I’m of no use,” Lapis said matter-of-factly, raising a large bubble over the pond before letting it fall back in. “I’m built to terraform. I wasn’t built for fighting. I have no part in your war.”  
  
Connie wanted to reach out and find a way to comfort Lapis, but was suddenly unsure of how. She had barely gotten out of a similarly dark place, and only because of all the times she had spent with the Crystal Gems. She didn’t know that Lapis had anything happier she could fall back on.  
  
“Have you already forgotten?” Connie watched as Peridot approached Lapis, visor hiding the gem’s eyes. Her tone was cold and empty.

“...I haven’t forgotten,” Lapis stated, standing up and turning away from both of them and channeling her watery wings. “I haven’t forgotten how Homeworld despises me, or will crush me if I go back.”  
  
“THIS ISN’T ABOUT YOU!” The voice startled Connie and Lapis, who both jumped slightly at the shout. Peridot pointed a finger and a harsh glare at Lapis, teeth bared outward. Connie sprang up, preparing to get between the feuding gems if needed, and Lapis sprung around, matching Peridot’s gaze.  
  
“What do you -” Lapis began, but was quickly interrupted.

“Steven needs us!” Peridot put a hand on her chest, trembling with fury. “But you just want to sit and wallow in your misery, like you always do!” She directed a shaking finger back at Lapis.  
  
“You don’t understand _anything_!” Lapis shouted back, arms curling into hard fists at her side.

Lapis began to gather water above her head, arming herself for the worst. Connie’s hand went back to her sword, but she had no desire to use if it she could help it.  
  
“You think I _want_ to go? You think I don’t want to just…curl up and wait until this is all over?” Peridot arms fell weakly to her sides as she looked downcast. The movement made Connie’s mind flashback, to when she had to confront her own mother about this mission.  
  
“Then don’t go. You won’t be able to do anything either,” Lapis replied, face blank and water still looming ominously above her.  
  
“I _need_ to go. Steven needs my help. That’s all that matters right now,” Peridot’s heartfelt words hit Connie hard. She noticed Lapis’s face fall slightly at Steven’s name. “Besides, the rest of the gems will be lost without me. I’m not going to be _selfish_ and put my needs before that.”  
  
“You think I’m-” Lapis trembled and the water above her shook along with her. Connie noticed large waves start to surge in the pond.  
  
Before Lapis could finish her though, Peridot had ran up and enveloped Lapis into a tight hug. Lapis went board-stiff, and the bubble floating above her head crashed down, drenching both of them. Peridot did not react to the sudden soaking, and continued to hold on tightly.  
  
“If Steven were here, he’d probably do this. He told me it’s how you make a friend feel better,” Peridot explained as she looked up innocently at Lapis, who was completely unresponsive. “Is it working?”  
  
Lapis shook, eyes tearing up, but determinedly remaining upright. Connie smiled sadly, heart warming at seeing the two gems make amends.  
  
“How are you...why...?” Lapis struggled to find the words.  
  
“I don’t know what else I can do anymore,” Peridot said simply, laying her head on Lapis’s chest. Her visor was conspicuously fogging up. “But I refuse to live on an Earth without Steven on it. So I have to do whatever I can to bring him back. Even if…” she visibly gulped. “Even if my chance of survival is less than five per cent.”  
  
Lapis closed her eyes as she went into deep thought.. She looked down and smiled at her friend, but her gaze remained forlorn.  
  
“You’re a dork.”  
  
“Well, you’re a clod.”  
  
“You’re bad at trying to act like Steven.”  
  
“Are you coming to help so I don’t have to keep acting like him?”  
  
“Fine. I guess I can see what I can do.”  
  
Peridot cheered as she hugged Lapis tighter, Lapis starting to grin through her tears.  
  
Connie watched the scene resolve peacefully, completely without her interference, and beamed.  
  
Peridot was right. At a time like this, she had to put some of her own desires aside. She was so wrapped up in her own anxieties that she had almost lost sight of why she had to go out into space.  
  
Risking her life to save Steven might take an enormous amount of selflessness. But she knew it paled into comparison to Steven’s own compassion.  
  
Connie would fight for Earth. She would fight for her home. She would apologize to the gems for lashing out at them with her own insecurities, and she would beg them to still take her up into space.  
  
It wasn’t going to be easy. It might get her killed. But she could put her own needs aside, for the peace of others. For the world they loved. For Earth.  
  
_For Steven_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for the short delay in posting.
> 
> The final chapter, Family, and a short epilogue should be posted next weekend.
> 
> Thank you for all the support thus far. Leave a comment and let me know what you think.


	7. Family

Every step Connie took made her feel more like she would burst into searing flames.  
  
The long trek to the barn was tortuous; the quiet, peaceful night preying on her ever-escalating anxieties. Despite her newfound resolution to be part of the Crystal Gems, she nonetheless was worried sick about what she was actually going to say to them.  
  
Connie knew who she was now. She _was_ strong; had proven that time and time again on the battlefield. She was a warrior; had trained tirelessly to fulfill that role and be by Steven’s side. She was a Crystal Gem; utterly dedicated to their cause despite all the sacrifice needed. Her old self was gone and she was satisfied with that.

But she didn’t know how Pearl and Garnet would react to what she said, Amethyst surely having told them. Her anxiety got the best of her as she pictured their utter rejection of her after hearing it. She didn’t know if they would forgive her, something she probably didn’t deserve. She didn’t even know if she’d even be allowed on the mission, and the thought made her breath short.  
  
Those uncertainties kept Connie’s head buzzing, as she tried to practice in her mind exactly what she would say to Garnet, Amethyst and Pearl. She wanted to make a bold speech that could woo them, make them understand how sorry she was and let her join them as a full-fledged member of the Crystal Gems. But her public speaking skills were lackluster and she didn’t know if she could get across what she needed to say.  
  
Peridot and Lapis were little help. They were pretty wrapped up in yammering nothings to each other — some conversation about ‘Camp Pining Hearts” she had tuned out a while ago. She supposed they were coping in their own way with their fears about what was to come. Peridot had offered little insight into how the other gems were feeling: “Seemed fine to me,” was her only answer to that question.  
  
With little to go on, Connie tried to think up an approach on the fly, calculating for different contingencies on how the gems reacted.  
  
Connie’s thoughts hovered in her mind like an angry swarm of gnats. Before she realized it, she had arrived at the barn where her judgement awaited. The sudden loss of time was enough to spring a geyser of panic within her, but she tried to reign that feeling in with a deep, steadying breath. She had to keep calm if she was going to be convincing.

The sun began to crest the horizon, painting the structure — and the Crystal Gems — in a warm, orange glow. Garnet, Amethyst and Pearl stood in a loose circle, chattering among themselves next to the ship that would take them to Steven — now coloured lime green. The trio suddenly stopped their dialogue when they saw Connie approach them, each twisting their gaze to look into a different direction.

Connie lightly rubbed her stomach, trying to ease its sudden ache as she slowly stepped towards them.

“I’ll just...go make sure our the ship’s calibrations are in order. Come, Lapis,” Peridot said, pulling Lapis as fast as she could deep into the ship. She clearly didn’t want to be caught in any fireworks.

The three gems before Connie looked far less than the paragons of power she had once envisioned them as. Pearl was thrumming her fingers together, sweat visible and looking anywhere but at Connie. Garnet turned to meet her gaze, but her posture was slouched and her face was shifted into a grimace. Amethyst hid her face beneath her bangs and kept her arms crossed, guarded against the oncoming intruder.

 _I can do this_ , Connie tried to psyche herself up, but the Crystal Gems’ evident nerves were contagious. She plunged her mind back to all the good memories she had with the gems. A needed reminder that the people in front of her were not mysterious strangers, they were her….  
  
“You were right!” Amethyst blurted out, breaking the tense silence, body uncurling and springing out towards Connie, revealing tear tracks down her eyes. The short gem stomped out her frustration as she yelled heart-wrenchingly. “You were right about all of it!”  
  
“Amethyst,” Garnet said admonishingly, staring down at the small gem, eyes still covered by her glasses. Amethyst just glowered back, before taking another step forward.  
  
“You were right, okay?” Amethyst stared right into Connie’s eyes, who was too stunned to move. “We _are_ bad for Steven. We have _no idea_ what we’re doing and we’re _terrible_ . Happy now?!”  
  
“ _What Amethyst meant_ to say is...we understand your point,” Pearl practically leapt forward, spitting the line out in a rush for damage control. “We realize that we...we do put too much on Steven, sometimes.”

Garnet trudged forward then, placing a gentle hand on both of her comrades backs. The two looked up to their leader, uncertain and trying to find a measure of surety. Garnet let go of them and kneeled down to meet Connie at eye level.  
  
The fusion took off her visor, revealing her full face to Connie for the first time, the girl a bit taken aback by her three eyes. Garnet looked at her with a wistful sadness, her stare piercing into Connie’s heart. For her part, Connie try to stand up straighter and meet the look, not wanting to turn away now.  
  
“I promise that when we get Steven back, we’re going to talk about all of this. We haven’t always been fair to him and we need to come clean. I know we can’t take back our mistakes, but I hope that Steven — and you — can forgive us,” Garnet finished her speech, keeping herself kneeling and awaiting Connie’s response. Pearl and Amethyst, at her flanks, stood still.  
  
Connie waited for a moment, taking sight of the trio before her in. She smiled wide and shook her head slowly, bringing her hand to her eyes as she pressed back on the tears that began to leak out. How could she have been afraid of this?  
  
“You’re wrong about what I said. _I’m_ the one that was wrong,” Connie stated simply, uncovering her eyes and beaming up at the three, shaking her head again. The three gems wore identical expressions of bewilderment before she went on. “You...you’re a family. And sometimes family...they...mess things up. They...they hurt each other. They make mistakes. I know that mine has,” Connie closed her eyes as she struggled through her words, not wanting anything to distract her from what she needed to get out.  
  
She looked up to see the Crystal Gems, slightly slack-jawed, hanging on to her every word. In their open expressions, showing curiosity instead of anger, she found the strength to go on.  
  
“But you’re always there for Steven. You’re always there to catch him when he falls. Always there to protect him, when I can’t. To cheer him up when he’s down. You inspire him to be brave, to be open, to be caring, to be kind — to be the person he is today. I know he wouldn’t be Steven without all the care and love and support you’ve given as he’s grown up.”  
  
Connie took another steady breath. She grabbed Rose’s scabbard, tied around her back, and pointedly put it on the ground in front of the Crystal gems. She didn’t look up once as she ran her hands across it admiringly.

“And I wouldn’t be who _I_ am today without each of you. And I realized that I...I _like_ who I am today. Despite everything, I feel like...like I’ve become a better person by being around all of you.” She looked into a light reflection along the glossy pink scabbard and smiled at her teary face.  
  
“Connie...I...we...you don’t have to-” Pearl’s voice protested weakly, but Connie heard Garnet shush her. Connie took it as invitation to go on.

“I know being a gem is part of who Steven is. And I can’t begrudge him for that. I love…every part of Steven matters to me. I said I wanted to be part of his universe, and I mean it. As much as I need him to be part of my world — my _human_ world — I know that he needs me to be part of his.”

Connie breathed deeply, keeping her eyes down, shaking with feeling as she struggled to get out the most difficult part of what she needed to say.

“I...I can’t act like I always understand your family. I’m trying to, really, and I’ll keep trying because …..” Connie gulped, keeping her eyes down, too frightened to look at how the Crystal Gems were reacting. “I know I want to be part of your family. And I hope that you can...that you can forgive me for what I did. For what I said. You don’t have to answer now, but just know that —”  
  
Connie recognized the arms, which wrapped around her and pulled her into a mighty hug, to be Pearl’s — the weepy breaths that accompanied it were unmistakable. She then felt herself getting lifted off her feet and entrenched by two more pairs of arms, so strong that she felt like she was being strangled in affection. Connie struggled to look up to see the Garnet and Amethyst beaming down at her, while Pearl sobbed into the group.  
  
“YOU ARE THE...THE BEST….PUPIL...A..ANYONE COULD ASK FOR!” Pearl shouted out between sobs, somehow managing to squeeze Connie tighter.

“You’re almost as sappy as Steven,” Amethyst shook her head, hair still tousled and eyes wet. But she was smiling wide under her bangs. “But I guess you’re pretty cool.”  
  
“You’re already part of our family,” Garnet said, smiling down at Connie. “And we’re happy to have you.”  
  
Connie could only smile back and nod in response, arms trapped as they were. She closed her eyes and sighed, relishing in the moment. Despite her exhaustion and stress, she felt like she was _home_ .  
  
Several minutes of mutual re-assurance, sporadic hugs, and more heartfelt words later, Garnet got the gems back on track towards departure for the mission. The Crystal Gems all filed into the ship and strapped into rather cushy seats as Peridot began takeoff procedure.  
  
“Make sure to stay strapped inside your seats at all times,” Peridot grumbled out as her fingers moved at rapid speed across several screens Connie could not read. “We’re going to warp and I have no interest in having to clean anything up in this after this is all over.”  
  
Connie chanced a look around the rest of the group. Spirits seemed to be riding high, with smiles abound as they chatted among themselves about what was to come. Even Lapis, who looked gloomy, drooping down like she wanted to fall out from her seat, wore the smallest of grins on her face.  
  
Like her, Connie knew they were all still trying to wear brave faces. Their world wouldn’t be set right until they had Steven back with them, safe, found and whole. Nothing she had experienced in the past two days had changed that.  
  
So much had shifted for her in that time, dealing with the fallout of Steven’s capture. She felt different; somehow more sure of herself, despite all the chaos that had gone on inside her. She had survived it all, and had gained a better understanding of both herself and the people she loved.  
  
Connie knew when they got back, there would be a lot of turmoil to sort through. She would probably have to talk a lot with her mom about boundaries and her commitment to the gems. She would also have to be there for Steven when the rest of the Crystal Gems apologized to him. Then they would have to get ready for whatever Homeworld did in response to their sneak attack. She would have to train hard if she was going to keep up.  
  
But those were all problems for the Connie of tomorrow. For today, she had only one goal; bring Steven back home. She was strong and courageous enough to do it. She had beaten back all of the feelings that threatened to put out the fiery desire within her to save him. She knew now she was a match for Lisa, or Gertrude, or any of the heroines of her books. She was even better than them, because she was _real_ .  
  
“Is everyone ready?” Garnet asked loudly, to chorus of affirmations.

For Connie, it wasn’t a question worth asking. She would save Steven Universe, or she would die trying. Nothing would get between her and her mission.

She felt her stomach lurch as the ship rapidly ascended up into the upper atmosphere of the Earth. Feeling somewhat sick, Connie closed her eyes, not wanting to see the ship move even as she felt it.  
  
“I’m coming for you,” she whispered to herself, as a self-comfort. “I’m coming for you, Steven.”  
  
The ship blasted off into the endless mysteries of space, and Connie was ready for them.


	8. Epilogue: Love

Connie Maheshwaran was drenched, confused, wearing a bizarre outfit against her will, and ready to punch something.  
  
The trip to the human zoo had been uneventful enough, other than a small mishap where all of the other gems became Peridot’s height (much to the Peridot’s chagrin). But they made it through safely and she was sure she would have been awestruck by the all the stars and planets had she not been anxious and focused on running through mission scenarios in her head.  
  
But walking through the enemy stronghold had put Connie on edge. She felt bare and defenseless disembarking without her sword, left on the ship for the sake of the act. The intimidating presence of Holly Blue had shaken her nerves, not helped by the rest of the Crystal Gems doing little to hide their own fear.  
  
Then she had to walk through the agonizing tour of Holly Blue, the disguise of their group successful, watching as the brutish gem treated her master like a _slave_ . Steven had talked a bit about Pearl’s origins, but witnessing that kind of treatment in front of her was another thing entirely. Seeing Pearl treated like she was  _nothing_ made Connie’s blood boil, and she desperately wanted to whip out her blade and wipe the irritating smirk off of Holly’s Blue face.  
  
But it was not to be; Sapphire, unfused, kept a steady hand on her, silently imploring her to keep going along with the stealthy method of the mission, since it was working well. So Connie gritted her teeth as she trudged along. Holly Blue kept bragging about Blue Diamond, Steven’s captor, driving her deeper and deeper into her simmering rage.  
  
An impromptu distraction by Ruby (that she couldn’t believe worked) in front of an access door to the containment area had raised Connie’s hopes that they could find Steven, but they had no fortune opening the door before Holly Blue returned. The frustration of coming so close to finding Steven had left Connie trembling, before two Amethyst’s grabbed her and separated her from the main group.  
  
The chute into the containment area was far too invasive, despite her efforts to fight it off with punches and kicks. She felt soiled, being stripped down, poked, prodded and shoved into an outfit she despised. When she thought it was all over, she was plunged into a flood of water, unceremoniously dumped into a false ocean below.  
  
She coughed out the water in her lungs, looking around desperately for something she could unleash her fury upon. Damn the consequences, she was _pissed_ and the first Homeworld gem she saw was going to know it.  
  
Connie’s heart skipped a beat as she gazed into a strangely tropical beach, lit up by the bright sunshine, which she couldn’t begin to comprehend. At seeing the people on the beach she reflexively stepped forward but tripped under the heavy water and fell to her knees.  
  
He was _there_ . Right there. In front of her, beaming out to the world, looking completely oblivious to his circumstances. A strange woman, wearing the same despicable outfit as her, was weaving a flower crown over Steven’s head.  
  
Her heart caught in her throat and she struggled to scream out what she needed to say. That she was here to save him. That they were in danger and whatever was happening probably needed to stop. That they needed to get out of...wherever they were. That she _missed_ him and she was never going to let him out of her sight again. That she loved him.  
  
It was all too much, and all she could do was get up and slowly walk forward, coughing out more water from the faux-ocean.  
  
Fortunately, Steven heard her splashes and turned to look at her. His eyes widened in shock before his face opened wide into a smile as warm as the sun. He jumped up and started to run forward, arms stretched wide in anticipation of an embrace.  
  
“CONNIE!”  
  
She grinned tiredly back, eyes tearing up as Steven tackled her into the water.  
  
This. This warm feeling that filled her entire being. Despite everything, he made it all worth it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's a wrap! It's been quite a ride and I enjoyed sharing it with you all. It was a lot of fun to explore Connie and I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it.
> 
> As for what 's next for me, I don't think I'm ready to leave fanfic writing yet, though I hope I can maintain the inspiration. No intention of expanding this story, but I have a couple of fun one shots planned for the Connverse bomb; stay tuned.
> 
> Thank you to all the people that gave kudos, commented and reviewed; well wishes helped keep me on track. Thanks doubly to my editor Meepyonnee, who made this story a lot better than it would have been otherwise.
> 
> If you haven't and you've read along, let me know what you think about this story now that we're done; I'd love to get feedback on what worked and what didn't. If you really loved it, give it a share and a recommendation if you have the means; I'm not so unconceited that I wouldn't like to see this piece read by more people.
> 
> Until next time hopefully, I bid you adieu. =)

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks and credit to my editor, Meepyonnee, for her incredible work making this story better.


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